Parenthood used to come with a manual, but it was covered in poop. People kept complaining about it, so they just stopped handing it out.

More has probably happened in the past few days than in all of the month of May. Let's see... injury, check; house drama, check; explodey poop baby, double check. Craziness.

First, I'm going to direct you to my friend Savana's website. She took some awesome pictures of Ben and my niece and nephew last Saturday. She posted a sneak peek of our session for us. She's also one of the genuinely nicest people I know.

So let's start with the most recent. Poop. I reckon I signed up for it, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Today Chris and I were getting ready to go to our friends' house when I noticed that Ben had a stinky diaper. This is a very common occurrence, as I'm sure anyone with a child in diapers can tell you. When you're getting ready to go somewhere, your child will most likely poop. So I took Ben back to the bedroom to change him. Well, I pulled down his pants and a slimy trail of poop followed down each of his legs. His pants were filled with it. It also exploded up his back, so it also got all over him when I pulled off his onesie. It was unavoidable. We had to give him another bath before we could leave. It didn't bother him at all.

Gah! I want to write a longer post, but I'm so super tired. So, in short, the house has been appraised, but for $4,000 less than our offer (so stupid). We've submitted a new offer, and hopefully it will be accepted as well.

The injury involves our man cub. He likes to crawl over (on our bed) to the window and look out of it. A few days ago he was at the window, rocking back and forth, and he lunged head first into it with a loud thwack. He cried, of course, but was not visibly hurt. The wound was healed by the boob. Several hours went by before I noticed the window. It was injured in the altercation. My son broke the window with his head. It had a crack where the impact was, and long cracks all coming out from there. Luckily, it was just the storm window, so we still have a window there. I would show you a picture, but a neighborhood creature (most likely a cat) knocked it over in the driveway where I had it propped. So it's even further broken now.

I did call his doctor to see if I should bring him in to be checked for any harm to his nugget. The nurse told me all the symptoms I should look for, and none of them cropped up. He's been completely fine. I guess naming him after the Thing was pretty appropriate for the kid.

Happy Father's Day, Mom

I probably should have written this post on Father's Day, but my sis-in-law, Antje came into town the night before and she, Fontanna (they're twins), and I had some catching up to do. So we stayed awake well into the morning talking. So yesterday I mostly wanted to be asleep anytime that I actually wasn't.

Father's Day hasn't always necessarily been a difficult day for me, but it has always been a reminder of what was lacking in my childhood. I can't say that I feel the empty hole of where a father should be now; mostly I wish my kid had another grandpa. My dad's not dead. I know who he is, and he knows who I am. At least, he knows I exist and we've had somewhat of a relationship over the years. I won't recount my father's misdeeds as a husband other than to say that there were other things of this world that he loved more than family at the time of my birth. My mom told him to choose between the two, and he moved his stuff out of the house after returning from the hospital when I was born that morning.

Over the years, I remember seeing him or hearing from him only when he needed something from us. Not to say that this is exactly the way it was; it's just what I remember. I also remember feeling sad on Father's Day because I had no father who would wear my primary craft proudly. But I do remember giving those crafts to my mom. She always seemed genuinely happy to receive them. My mom ungrudgingly sacrificed everything for her children. It was more appropriate to honor her on Father's Day anyway.

Nowadays I really struggle in my relationship with my father. I feel like he expects us to treat him like our dad, but he does absolutely nothing to warrant it. I constantly make it my goal to forgive him, but every time I feel okay about him, he does something that makes me angry again. It usually involves him taking advantage of how nice my mom is (she's still friends with him because she's a saint). And if any of her children have anything to say to him about it, his general attitude is "mind your own business". It upsets me greatly. I know I'm supposed to forgive him seventy times seven (Matt. 18:22), but it's hard when he seems not to care that he keeps screwing people over. I'm going to talk to my bishop about what I need to do to be right with the Lord about this. I just haven't done it yet.

I'm so glad that in spite of our lack of a positive male role model growing up, my brothers have become good husbands and fathers and my sisters and I (through trial and error) have found good husbands and fathers for our children. I attribute much of it to my mom. She taught me that no matter what I've done, I am still loved and I deserve to be loved. It took a really long time for that to stick with me, but it's probably one of the most important things I've ever learned. Thanks, Mom.

P.S. If this feels rushed (it does to me), it's because I have a howler monkey on my lap.

I just hate practicing self restraint.

I will preface this story by saying we are currently trying to cut back on unnecessary expenditures. We're even trying to cut back on necessary expenditures. We're tightening our belts because a) we have no money and b) we really want to buy this house.

So Target had a deal this week where you bought three packs of Huggies and you'd get a $5 gift card. They had the same deal if you bought 5 pints of Ben & Jerry's (which were on sale). I had coupons for the ice cream, and I use Huggies, so I figured what the heck. Then I daydreamed about what I would get with my extra $5 (because of course, I would use the first $5 on either the diapers or the ice cream because I am a good girl). I got to the store and carted Ben all around collecting my various items. The Ben & Jerry's was a no-go because they only had 5 flavors to choose from, and none of them were kinds I particularly like. I decided to get wipes and deodorant with my gift card from buying the Huggies. Not fun, but needs. Then I decided to figure up how much I was really saving per diaper, blabbity blah blah blah. Long story short, I decided I have enough of all these items to make it to our next pay day, so I put it all back in favor of immediate frugality. Very good girl, indeed. I was so proud of myself that I had to stop by Sonic on the way home to get myself a creamslush as a reward.

On the way home, I saw an item in front of a nearby trailer (remember that I live in a trailer park- it's classy, yall) being given away for free. Let me show you it:



Fontanna speculated that it is perhaps a shower chair. I like to think that it is a comfy camping toilet. Add one bucket and there you go! Fontanna added that there is also a nice padded seat for your friend to wait in line. I told her I was thinking that I should title the picture: "Hey, I found a place for you to poop, and it's free!" To which she gave me a hilarious mental image of her sitting and pooping on the contraption in front of the trailer with a look that says, "Hey, don't blame me, it was free".

Do you still want to be my friend after knowing I had this conversation? Hahaha, I just read the title of this post in relation to the padded toilet chair. I think I'll leave it.

Do you remember my post about zombies? My friend ucmama also dislikes zombies, a fact that I had totally forgotten when I wrote about them. Anyway, she posted a link to this great article about zombie neurology. Scientific proof that fast zombies cannot exist!

We had the house inspection today, and it went pretty well. The inspector called it the Taj Mahal in comparison to the first house he inspected for us. Now I really hope we can get the house because I wouldn't mind living in a palace. It was nice that we were able to get another look at the house, though. We haven't seen it in a couple of months. There is a slight snag, however. The furnace doesn't really work very well. Our realtor is going to try and negotiate with the seller's bank to get the replaced or at least fixed. If the furnace doesn't work, it's not likely a bank is going to give a loan for it. And then there's also the appraiser who has to go out and look at it and decide if it conforms to a VA loan, as well. There are a lot of repairs that we'll have to do, but they can be done over the next several years. None of them are particularly pressing. Well, none of them except for the furnace. We kind of need one of those.

Did I mention that Ben popped out a tooth? Well he did, and he bit me really hard tonight. I yelled really loud, and it scared him and made him cry. I felt really bad.

Quote from Chris today

"There's not just 13 year olds on the internet, honey. I'm on the internet."

If you see us moving into your neighborhood in the middle of the night, I swear we're not winos.

So, hey, uh, long time no see, huh? Sorry about that. I have a wriggling mobile creature to keep up with now. Ben has figured out he can move forward now, and he refuses to be a lap baby any longer. You should see us trying to hold onto him while trying to do stuff on the internet. The problem is we don't have much floor space that isn't dog infested in our trailer. So he learned the crawling basics on the bed. And then he crawled 3 or 4 feet for the first time on the floor in the play area at the Pocatello mall while we were there visiting my sister in law and her new baby (holy crap, that kid is cute). This was about a week ago. He gets frustrated because he's still working out the kinks, but he can get around. So we can't really corral him on the bed anymore. He's started to lunge over obstacles like the pillows we put around him to keep him in one place while we wash our hands after a diaper change. I knew our house would feel even smaller once Ben became mobile, and it does.

The very very good news is that our offer was accepted on the house we want. Yay! I've been making plans and decorating it in my head for weeks. We have our home inspection set for Monday. I hope I hope I hope it goes well. We really really like this house, and I can definitely see us being there for the next ten years or so. There's enough space for all of our hobbies and for Ben and any other kids we have. I'm really excited about it. Can you tell? Our realtor told us that if everything goes without a hitch, we could possibly close by the end of the month. That would be pretty incredible.

So, to prepare for our impending move, we decided to procure some boxes. I don't like buying boxes because I'm cheap, and there are plenty of used boxes that need good homes. I called the local liquor store, and they told us to come on over as they had plenty of boxes to impart to us. So whoever sees us moving in to our house will probably think we're total lushes. You'd have to be drinking a LOT of liquor to come up with all those boxes on your own. And, well, we'll probably be moving in the middle of the night because that's just how we roll, you know? We're definitely night people.

I'm really not looking forward to the packing and the unpacking, though. Every other time we've moved, it's started out organized, but by the end of it, we would just start throwing crap into boxes all willy nilly. Then we end up having boxes full of random stuff, and we don't know where to put any of it. So we end up having unpacked boxes sitting around for the next year or two. It's happened once or twice. True story. We'll get through it, though. We always do.

On the ppd front, I'm hoping this move helps. I think it will give me some motivation to make things better instead of wallowing in my own despair. My meds seem to be working less and less. I don't particularly want to increase the dose, though. I would rather pursue other methods of treatment. So when I go to my doc for my lady appt next week (oh, joy), I'll probably ask her for a referral to a therapist.

One last thing, and it's a happy thing- I'm twelve pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant last year. Yay! That's a total of 64 lbs that I've lost since the peak of my pregnant weight gain. And yes, I believe my butt does look good in these jeans I'm wearing.

How is it that even when I get enough sleep, I'm still tired?

Anyway, no more whining. I'm tired of reading through my blog and seeing so much whining. Although, it shouldn't surprise anyone because I am the baby of my family. We babies love to whine. Just ask my siblings.

I've been thinking about what I could do for myself to feel productive and purposeful and not so much housewifey and mommish (not to be confused with Amish. I will not be doing anything to make myself feel Amish. Except for maybe that beard I've bee attempting to grow...). I think I may try to make things to sell on etsy. I love making things, but I can hardly ever think of anything to actually make for myself. I make a lot of stuff for other people, but I want to craft more! So, I think etsy is my answer.

However, I won't be able to do anything until we have a house. I desperately need more space, and we STILL (!!!) haven't heard back on the house we want. We do know that no one else has offered on it, though. It's looking good for us, but it could change any day. The not knowing drives me crizazy! I've been decorating every room in my mind. This is interesting to me because I've never really been much into decorating. I mean, we've lived in our trailer for three years, and I've never put paint up to cover the hideous fake wood paneling. It's more like sheets of particle board with wood panel wallpaper. Really, it's so ugly. But the idea of having a house has given me so much to think about, and I want to realize my ideas. I've never been very good at waiting, but I've had to wait for most major life events. Maybe Heavenly Father is trying really hard to teach me patience. I guess I'm just not a very good pupil when it comes to that.

Not a lot else is going on as of late. We've been starting to try solids with Ben, but he doesn't really seem to be ready yet. He's interested, but he still has the extrusion reflex. I'm not worried about it. He'll eat when he's ready. Until then, he just likes to play with the spoon. He's still gaining well and getting everything he needs from breastmilk, so his doctor isn't worried either.

I'll sleep when I'm dead

I started to post last week. I even wrote a couple of sentences. And the child screeched for me, and I never got another opportunity. Well, I lie a little. I've had the opportunity, but lacked the mental fortitude. Because writing requires me to also be awake. Well, somewhat.

The happiest news is that my husband is done with school for the semester. Yay! I'm so relieved. It's difficult, though. Because he wants to do a lot of the stuff that he hasn't been able to do during school, such as his hobbies. But I also really want to get stuff done that I haven't been able to do during school, such as my hobbies. And I require him to care for the man-cub. So we'll have to reach some sort of compromise with our time that will keep both of us happy. I'm sure we'll be able to come up with something.

I've been having some completely whacked out dreams. It's like my crazy pregnancy dreams just never stopped after gestation. I have insanely vivid dreams every night between every waking and also during every nap, no matter how short or long. I've had dreams about bloggers, dreams about famous people, dreams about my family (Chris is really Batman, yo), and of course, dreams about complete strangers. Creepy dreams, happy dreams, meh dreams, they're all there. Perhaps my subconscious is making up for the lack of adult interaction I get on a regular basis. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me that I desperately need a good solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep with no one touching me.

An update on the house situation: We offered on another house, but someone else got it. We offered on yet another house, but it is a short sale. So we have to wait for the seller's lender to approve our offer price. The plus side is that the seller has accepted it. The crap side (yes, the opposite of plus is crap) is that their lender can take until July 15th to let us know. Technically, they have 120 days to decide, but they have the July deadline written in our offer. I really hope it doesn't take that long. I am so ready to move.

I should be in bed asleep, but it's been really bothering me that I haven't posted in so long. I mean, what will my fans think (ha ha!)? No really, I just need an outlet somewhere, even if it's not deeply soul-baring or anything. I need to make sure my brain still works a little bit. You know, just to crank out the drivel I produce here. I have this need that is somewhat hard to put into words. It started while I was pregnant, just in the first trimester. I love being a mother, but I'm terrified of having it completely define me. I blanch at the title of Stay at Home Mom, even though that is technically what I am. Not that I would like to work away from home or anything. I just want to be more than a mom. I want to have dreams, too. Which is fine, of course. That's what everyone will say. But these dreams that I make will have to be attainable, otherwise I'll be unhappy, which is no good. So I'm kind of afraid of aspiring to be more than a mom because I don't want to fail. Well, I guess I sort of can put it into words. Who needs a therapist to tell you things when you can just write it out on your blog? Anyway, I also feel a bit guilty for wanting to be more than a mom because that's what I've wanted for so long. Like being a mom is supposed to fulfill every lifelong dream I could ever have, but it doesn't. Blech. Mommy-guilt. Here, have a picture of my delicious offspring instead.



Bippity bobbity boo!

What's the worst that could happen?

I've been thinking about zombies lately. I don't really know why. I haven't watched any zombie movies in quite some time. Because I hate zombies, and they freak me out. Especially those fast moving, thinking zombies. I honestly have never watched any movies featuring them because I may be forced to crap in my pants. And I just don't want to do that, you know?

I don't really believe in zombies. How would they fit into Heavenly Father's plan? However, they are still scary. So, I have had to really think about them, so I can be ready when the zombie apocalypse happens. It will be kind of difficult for me to be ready. I mean, I'm not a good shot and I'm very clumsy, but I should be faster than the zombies, at least. I think if zombies really existed, they'd be the slow, falling apart kind. I also think they'd have rigor mortis, which would definitely benefit the living. So, they would have a very difficult time moving around. Perhaps they would have to steal some Rascals or something. That could be bad for us, but still, reaching, tearing, and biting are going to be difficult for these guys.

I don't really know if they'll be contagious. I guess that depends on how the zombie apocalypse gets started. It could be food poisoning, butt pennies, swine flu, or many other scenarios. So wash your hands, kids, and don't stick your change in your mouth. Here's a good resource for defending yourself from zombies.

I don't really have any sort of a segue from that, so I'll just stop there. Zombies have just been on my mind lately.

I just realized that I never gave an update on that house we were hoping to buy. The inspection revealed termites. Bummer. I really quite liked that house. I also really quite liked the price. But I guess you get what you pay for, right?

Today we're going to look at more houses. I don't necessarily love looking at houses. I really just wish the perfect house would fall out of the sky and land in my lap. Er, figuratively speaking, of course. Wouldn't that be awkward? And also, dead. We have approximately eleventy billion houses on our list to go and see, and I have to think that one of these absolutely has to be the one. Pretty please? I just want to buy a house and move already. We're so cramped. I need Ben to have his own room, so we can work on him sleeping by himself.

Blech. Ben and sleep. Like oil and water. Well, unless I'm laying next to him. Then he'll sleep for as long as his fidgety little body will let him. But we have to stop co-sleeping. We must. It's not that I don't enjoy the closeness to him because I really really do. It's his fidgety little body. The night before last, Chris and I awoke to him yelling, lying across the bed grabbing Chris' back and kicking my stomach in his sleep. Chris slept on the pullout bed from the couch last night because he seriously needs some sleep, the poor guy.

Ben also needs to be able to sleep by himself because he really needs naps. I don't need as much sleep as he does, and he doesn't want to sleep without me. He wakes up scared and cries and needs me to help him back to sleep. Then when he actually wakes up, he's clingy and he's afraid I'm going to leave him. And then he doesn't want to play by himself. I've tried to get him almost to sleep and then lay him down a la the No-Cry Sleep Solution, but his eyes pop open and he wants to play. So, I'll be trying it again, but I want to try it when he has his own room. It will make it much easier for me.

Thanks for stopping by

I've composed so many blog posts in my head, but I'm sure I don't get credit because I never actually wrote any of them. That's just too bad for you, huh? I bet you feel like you're really missing out. No? Oh. Fine, then.

I came home from Georgia a few days ago (is it really Tuesday already?), and I'm just so glad I was able to go. It's not very often that all of my siblings and I are able to converge in the same place. I enjoyed it, to say the least. I was able to meet my sister's little boy who was born exactly two weeks after Ben, as well as my niece's baby, who was born last summer. They were both delectable. Ben had a good time. We also took some family pictures out in the front yard on Easter. My husband was the only one not present out of all the extended family. So when it was my family's turn to have a picture with my mom, we had to improvise.

A good time was definitely had by all.

And because I have nothing else in my head (I waste all my decent prose on compositions in my head while I'm driving), you should watch this:



You should also check out the videos linked on my husband's blog.

How do I love thy mullet? Let me count the waves...

My husband has a habit of secretly changing my desktop picture when I'm sleeping. Imagine my horror surprise when this picture appeared on my desktop after closing Firefox one fine day.



His name is Reginald. I do not know if he has any brothers, but he may still be available if you'd like to look him up. Actually, my money says he still lives in his mother's basement.

The funniest thing about it is that as soon as Ben saw the guy's face, he broke out into the biggest smile. In fact, every time Ben looks at him, he gets a giant gummy grin. My guess is that he thinks Reginald is his father. This makes me laugh, and it also scares me a little. Because you know, I am married to Ben's actual father, and if he follows through with his plan of growing a mullet and a thin mustache after he gets out of the Army, well. Then I will be married to Reginald.

In other news, we put in an offer for a house and it was accepted. The only real thing standing in between us and potentially our new home is the inspection. I have a really good feeling about this house, but I don't know if maybe it's because I just really want it to work out for us, you know? But we find out everything on Monday. I'm nervous and hopeful. We're willing to put in some work on a house as long as it's not something that has to be done immediately or something that will just cost too much to make it ultimately worth it.

Not much else has been happening. But I will be flying home to Georgia to see my family on Tuesday! I'm pretty excited about it. If I'm not mistaken, both of my brothers will also be visiting at the same time, so we'll all be together in the same place. Yay!

ETA: The picture of Reginald is from Sexy People. Go there. You won't be disappointed.

Funny...

I was looking through the pictures I took of Ben in the past couple of weeks and realized that the picture I posted earlier was pre-haircut. He has a comb over that's hiding the long hairs in the front. So here's a picture of him afterward. He's a handsome fellow, but perhaps I'm biased.

Ben's grandpa gave him his first haircut. His hair was growing into his eyes.



Man, I'm tired. Ben is 17 1/2 lbs. It takes a lot of milk to satisfy that child. Milks well into the night. I don't mind. I'm just tired. He sleeps a lot better than he used to. My only problem now is that he won't sleep without me, but we're working on it.

Chris and I have started house hunting. Due to the unfortunate state of the economy, we may actually be able to afford a house payment. There are a lot of options in the valley that might actually be able to work out for us. I'm pretty excited at the possibility of owning a house. I'm so tired of living in our tiny little trailer. Our family has gotten too big. And by family, I'm also including dogs, tortoises, and all of our stuff. So having more space for all of us affordably would be pretty cool.

I have so much to write, but no time. Having a kid takes up a lot of your energy. It's pretty much the best job I could ever ask for.

The pay stinks, but the hours are great!

I have joined the ranks of the unemployed as of March 6th at 4:45 pm. To be completely honest, it's a little bittersweet. I will preface this by saying that I do not, in any way, think stay at home moms are not contributing just as much to their families as their husbands. This is simply an expression of my own guilt and not a judgment on anyone. That being said, I totally do not feel like I am contributing as much as my husband is. It makes me feel an immense amount of guilt. He works full time and is taking 12 credits. His butt is being kicked daily and he gets four to five hours of sleep every night. He has so much stress, and I can't really do anything to alleviate it. And now I'm not working, and I'm doing what I want to do, which is being a stay at home mom. I really really appreciate my husband so much for everything he does. He doesn't give me any grief about not working anymore, and he's glad that our kid is being raised primarily by me and not an outside caregiver. I'm so glad I married the guy that I did.

This past week has felt more like I've been on vacation than anything else. I don't feel like work is done. I feel like I'll be going back to my desk at work on Monday, whenever Monday comes because every day is perpetually Saturday. It's weird.

You should use a battle axe.

One very unfortunate side effect of working full time, feeding your family regularly, keeping the kitchen somewhat clean, and parenting a small baby is that my hygiene routinely suffers. I manage to brush my teeth and hair every day, but showers just don't always make it into my schedule. Sure, I know, there are at least hundreds of women who are able to do all this - and more(!), but I am not one of them.

Another, albeit marginally, unfortunate side effect of my sad bathing status is that the hair on my legs gets shaved maybe once or twice a month. So sad and gross. Why am I even telling you this? Because you're my friend, that's why. (Aren't you just so glad we're friends?) This is only embarrassing when my pant leg rides up when I'm crossing my legs. Lucky for me, I cross them all the time! I'm surprised no one has called the Sasquatch Gang, because BIG FOOT LIVES IN IDAHO AND SHE WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY! Also lucky for me, my secret is safe because no one has reported me- yet. I should also add that the last time I shaved my legs, I broke my last Intuition razor cartridge. You know that nice lotiony moisturizing bar that surrounds the razor? Gone. Broken by my porcupine leg hairs after its second use. I've still been using it to shave my armpits with copious amounts of Dove. What? Those cartridges are expensive. I've got to get my money's worth.

Anyway, I managed to get a shower today because my husband reminded me that I had planned on taking one (hint, HINT, stinky!). And I tackled the beast what lives on my lower extremities. With copious amounts of Dove because I forgot to buy more razor cartridges. I didn't even make it up to my knee caps because the hair was so long. I'm talking like a third of an inch or so. Again, sad and gross. You might ask me why I am telling you this. Well, I heard you needed to feel better about yourself, and since we're friends, I thought I'd oblige.

My last day at work is Friday, and I am so ready. I am tired of pumping my breasts four times a day like a dairy cow. I am tired of my sitter over-estimating how much Ben will eat and wasting my hard earned milk at the end of the day. I'm tired of sitting around at work with nothing to do. It's so boring, and I still have to act like I'm doing something, right? Most of all, I'm so tired of being away from my kid. I'm so glad it's almost Friday.

Cash or Credit

If I want something awesome handmade by my strep throat wielding friend, ucmama, I must pay it forward (to the highest bidder, muahahahaha. Okay, not the highest bidder.)

Sooooooooo, here are the rules. Copied and pasted because I am lazy. But not so lazy that I won't follow through.

Be one of the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post and I will send you a handmade gift sometime in the next 3 months.
You get to pay it forward as well by doing the same thing for 3 people on your blog.
Once you leave a comment telling me that you want to participate, you need to make a pay it forward post on your blog within one day.
So, anyone game? You can be a friend, family member, or even a random visitor to this blog. Just as long as you’re willing to pay it forward, you are eligible to participate!

ETA: Please also answer these questions three:
1) What is your favorite color?
2) Would you like a craft that is knit, crocheted, or sewn?
3) Do you wear jewelry and what kind?

Who says the honeymoon has to be over?

Can I just say how much I love my husband? I love him the most. He is the only man who has ever sent me flowers. Sure I’ve been given flowers before, but Chris has had them sent to me. Most recently, he had them sent to me today at work. I just loooooooove surprises. And apparently, he ordered them on Friday and kept the secret from me all weekend. If you know my husband, then you know it almost killed him to hide it for that long. I have the best husband ever.

One week down, five to go

Times are crazy, and I am ill equipped. My husband is working full time and going to school full time. I am working full time and caring for a child full time. We are about to move. My, I am tired.

I think I misrepresented my husband a bit in my last post. He is quite helpful. It’s just that while I was staying at home, I opted to be Ben’s night time caregiver because I could sleep all day with him and Chris couldn’t. I didn’t want him to have to suffer all night and all day from lack of sleep. The weekends, however, were a different story. And now that I am back at work, we switch off with each other.

I started working again on Monday. My computer login was disabled while I was on leave. Lovely. I actually knew about this ahead of time and asked my supervisor to submit the form necessary to open my login again. She did her part, but apparently the security team took their sweet time about it. So I couldn’t do anything half the day before they activated it for me. And then on Thursday, it happened again. And also today. Annoying, yes.

I found a home day care really close to work, so I can see Ben at lunch and nurse him. The lady seems really nice, and she only has a couple of other children in her care. She has a rocking chair she lets me use to nurse him in. She also gives us a written report every day on when he ate and slept and how much and how his day was. It’s really nice. And for the record, I’m really glad I’m on Prozac right now. I’d been taking the whole day care thing extremely well. I was surprised, but I figured it was easier because I get to see Ben at lunch time. And then I forgot to take my dose on Wednesday, which didn’t affect me until Thursday. I bawled all the way to work and cried at my desk. I could barely function. I had very real ideas of going to pick Ben up and going home with him for good. I felt so horrible. But by lunch time, my Thursday dose kicked in and I felt much better. I hope I don’t have to be on this long term, but I can appreciate being on it now.

Pumping is going fairly well. I still don’t particularly like it, but my milk supply is increasing so it’s getting easier. And I have to pump like crazy. Right now I’m pumping four times a day, twice before lunch and twice after. I’m only supposed to pump twice at work on my two breaks, but I can’t only pump twice. I don’t get nearly enough milk. I’m so surprised at how much Ben eats. That kid can really put it away. But I do also realize that he could also be comfort eating or the sitter offers him a bottle and he takes if even if he’s not really hungry. Either way, I have to have the milk available for him. So far, so good, but I do stress about it. I realize it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he had to have some formula to supplement my milk, but I would just rather not have that happen if I can help it. I’m trying to help it.

Our sleep rollercoaster continues. Ben has much better days after he’s had a lot of sleep, so I’ve been trying to get him to sleep earlier. Getting him to sleep at 8:30 doesn’t seem to be a problem at the moment. But if I want him to stay asleep, I have to go to bed with him, too. He still won’t sleep for long periods of time by himself. I just don’t have it in me to try and get him to sleep in his bed while I’m working. I’ll get so much less sleep that way. So I’m hoping to start helping him to be comfortable sleeping by himself when I stop working. Then I can be there for him when he wakes up in the night and I won’t feel like a zombie the next day, or worse, resent Ben for making me a zombie.

Sorry I don’t update more. I can’t make any promises to update more right now either. In the meantime, you should read this article. I laughed so much, it made Ben start giggling hysterically. And yes, I think butts and poop are funny.

Happy New Year

The longer I wait to blog, the more I have to say, and thus, the harder it is to write. My intrinsic laziness sets in, and I just stare at the blank screen thinking of all the things I want to tell you. And then I get so overwhelmed by the magnitude of it that I just start reading other people's blogs, or I start typing an incoherent stream of consciousness that I don't even want to read back through again. So I'm going to try and compartmentalize all this as much as possible so that you three readers I have left won't leave here with your eyes bleeding.

Let us address the crying baby. He doesn't cry as much anymore, which is so very wonderful. However, he solidly has his days and nights mixed up. There was one week, one blissful, beautiful, delicious week where he slept at night. And because he sleeps besides me, I can nurse him while I sleep. And before you judge me for sleeping with him, I will just tell you that we both actually get sleep this way. And that is why I'm not willing to try and give it up until after I'm not working anymore. Anyway, then he got a cold and he started going to sleep at 4 am again.

Ben is a joy when he first wakes up. He smiles and coos and giggles. And about half an hour to forty five minutes later, he's crabby. He's tired and cranky. This is when he cries. But, he fights the nap. He fights it so hard. And when he does go to sleep? He will wake up again within the hour. The result is the two of us fighting over sleep all day and him not getting enough sleep during the day which makes him overtired when it's time for him to go to bed for the night and then it's really hard to get him to sleep. And I don't mean I put him down for a nap and then he wakes up (because I know he'll wake up if I put him down). I'm holding him in the exact same way he went to sleep, and he'll still wake up.

I asked his doctor how I should go about switching his nights and days back around. He told me that I should limit his naps during the day and when he wakes up at night, don't interact with him other than to feed him or change him and that's it. And also keep the lights off. But don't pick him up or play with him or make eye contact. Well, if he wakes up in the bed, I have to pick him up to go into the living room so we don't keep Chris up. So there goes that. Last night, I was trying really hard not to make eye contact or encourage him to be awake or anything. But I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and he was just smiling ear to ear at me. And how can I resist? I don't want him to think smiling won't get my attention. So I looked at him and smiled back. He started kicking his legs and waving his arms in excitement, and he was giggling like crazy. My word, this kid already knows how to melt his mama. So of course, I played with him. My heart is not made of stone, and apparently neither is my resolve. I'm pretty much going to die when I have to go back to work.

I went to my doctor again today about ppd. The estradiol didn't work as my doctor had hoped. What it did do was decrease my milk supply and give me a period. Yay! So I started taking fenugreek to boost my milk. It finally kicked in last night. It's super sweet. I got 4 oz of milk in 7 minutes today when I usually only get 2 oz in 20. This is going to make pumping and working so so much easier. So even though my doc took me off the estradiol today, I'm definitely sticking with the fenugreek until I get laid off. Now I get to try Prozac. I'm not really thrilled about going on an anti-depressant, but I'm not getting any better on my own. Mostly, I just wish this would all go away. I don't want to deal with it, and I can't tell you how many times I thought about canceling the follow up with my doctor and just not dealing with it. But it's important to me to try and really be there for Ben. He's having such a rough time getting his sleep together, and I'm not going to be able to help him if I'm falling apart. I really really hope the Prozac works.

A happy thing that I have to share is my weight loss. I've lost 38 lbs since I had Ben. I still have 14 lbs until pre-pregnancy weight and, oh, probably 40 lbs until before I started trying to conceive weight, but I'm encouraged. I haven't done anything to lose this weight so far (just breastfeeding and staying hydrated), so I'm really trying to get motivated to start at least walking to get some exercise. But my big excuse right now is the snow. I just don't want to walk around in it. My other excuse not to walk in the snow is that I'm notoriously clumsy and I will slip and fall with my baby hanging on me in his sling. I'm sure even if we didn't have so much snow, I'd still have some sort of lame excuse. But I can still be happy about the weight I have lost and try not to put any back on.

I have other things I want to blog about, but I'm so tired. I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep and I should be sleeping with my baby right now. If anyone has any ideas about how to keep Ben asleep through his sleep cycles during his naps, that would be appreciated. He's not waking up because he's hurting. He always wakes up happy; he just wakes up too early.