I should be asleep. I stay up way too late virtually every night. I can't even really say why I do it except that I find so many things I want to read on the internet, and I fall into a worm hole that immediately spits me out four hours later. But really! I only read a couple of blogs! Okay, so that part isn't true. Don't you know that no one has discovered worm holes yet? Seriously, don't talk to people about that part. I don't need that kind of media buzzing around here. My house just isn't drop in ready.
Speaking of which, I've been struggling so much with my house lately, and I haven't been able to understand it. I finally feel like I have a handle on my depression. And well, I think I have for a while now. However, I am still so chronically disorganized and a mess. A hot mess. I'm tired of having stuff everywhere, but I just can't force my arms and legs to move about and do something about it. I can read about organizing and cleaning and that kind of stuff all day long. And I have. Well, figuratively. Most of my day is spent feeding three little boys with bottomless pits for stomachs.
Anyway, my sister mentioned that she might possibly have ADHD, and she sent me an online questionnaire about it. I took it and scored pretty high. So I talked to my counselor and my psychiatrist (two of the reasons I have a handle on my depression now), and they're like, oh yeah, it does sound like you probably have that. So it's kind of nice to know that there's a reason for this kind of 'doing' paralysis. I didn't really know it was a thing that happened to other people. And of course, it's other things, too. I won't bother typing it all out because is that really necessary? Let's just say I have a lot of the symptoms. But now I have to approach the 'doing' things from a different way. I have to change my thought patterns and learn new coping skills. And I hate it. It's annoying. It would be a lot easier if I could just be normal, right? But it also feels like a breakthrough for me because I feel like maybe my life can be different, and I can get my crap together. Because I really really need to get my crap together.
Monday, July 01, 2013
Let me tell you something about me.
I am a sucker.
Seriously. My husband has been wanting another dog for a long time- long before Buddy died. I have not wanted another dog for a long time, and in fact, I told him I didn't want anymore dogs after our dogs died. I wanted to get some goats and chickens. I said this often enough that Ben started telling everyone that this was my desire. To complete strangers, he would say, "When my dogs die, Mommy wants goats and chickens." This is how much I decided not to get any more dogs.
I love dogs. I think they're great, but what I don't like is cleaning up after them. I don't like the hair everywhere, invading every part of my life. I don't like the stinky farts. I don't like cleaning up poop in the yard. I don't like realizing we've run out of dog food and having to make a special trip to get some. I don't like barking or slobbering or noses in my butt.
|Buddy spent a lot of his life with his eyes closed|
But(t). I am weak. My loves are stronger than the don't likes. Annie has been clingy for a while. Since about a month before Buddy died, she's been following me all around the house and just parking herself wherever I am. It sounds kind of annoying, but it's comforting to me to have her around. She's so much calmer than she used to be, and she's so loving. She's been lonely since Buddy's been gone. She's had some separation anxiety, and it shows because she's been raiding the trash can when we leave. She doesn't leave evidence inside if she can avoid it, but I always find the trash outside, which is one of my don't likes. It's tough to lose part of your family, though. I know she's probably stressed because she doesn't understand why he never came back.
|Annie and Chris' shoe|
I think about all the times I was just so fed up with the dogs while Chris was in Iraq, and I was just ready to post an ad on Craigslist and get rid of them. My ever shrinking (at the time) soft spot for them always won out. Well, that and my sense of responsibility as a pet owner. It was really hard to take care of them and three kids two and under at the same time. I'm glad I didn't snap and find new homes for them.
Chris was looking at the dogs on the Boise Humane Society's website yesterday and telling me about the different dogs he liked, so of course, I had to pull up the site to look to. Then we looked at the Canyon County Animal Shelter's site, which is closer to home. Both shelters had a Basset Hound, even though that's not necessarily what we were looking for in a dog (Buddy was also a Basset Hound). We decided among the many other errands I had to run that we'd go to the closer shelter to see some dogs, partially to keep the kids happy while we were out. I didn't really have any intention of bringing home a dog yet.
The first dog we looked at was the Basset, Duke. He was so cute, and his coloring was the same as Buddy's. He was very playful with the kids. He exuded the Basset Hound personality. He did the regal derp, which happens almost every time a Basset is paying attention to something. It looks like this, and it's funny every time.
|Photo credit: The Daily Puppy|
At one point Chris called him buddy (which is his default name for all dogs and children), and I actually got a little misty eyed. Then we looked at a Rhodesian Ridgeback, General Lee. He seemed to be well tempered, but when we took him outside, he immediately ran around and found a spot to pee, and he did pee for what felt like ten minutes. Then he ran to find another spot and pooped. Then he ran to another spot and pooped again. Then he ran to another spot and pooped again. He finally came over to us for a bribe of a dog bone. He was nice, but....maybe it wasn't the best time for him to shine. I didn't feel any sparks. Then we looked at a cute little boxer mix, Tioga. She was sweet and unfortunately formerly abused. She was only a year and a half, but you could tell she'd had a litter of puppies already. The girl helping us with the dogs told us they knew her history back to when she was a year old, so they knew she'd had the puppies before she was a year old. She was very timid among my boisterous boys. I think she would have been swallowed by the chaos in my house.
Sometime during this, while Logan, Ben, and I were waiting outside for Chris and Bruce to bring out another dog, Logan found a very muddy puddle and took a fall right onto his back. Thankfully, it was only up to his shirt, but he was soooo muddy. And it was hilarious to him, of course. Then he spent the rest of the time trying to get me to pick him up, which I eventually without thinking did.
We looked at some puppies, but I definitely knew I did not want a puppy. They're cute, but they're so much work. Maybe someday, but for now, no. Mostly, I wanted all the dogs to have happy homes. It's sad to see so many sweet dogs destined to be euthanized. It's so so so sad. We left without a dog, but Chris was giving me the "I really want a dog face" in the car. I thought about how lonely Annie was. But I also thought about cleaning up dog hair and picking up poop because I'm usually the one who does both. I thought about how empty it seems without two dogs around. So I made Chris a deal. We would have rotating schedules of scooping poop. He agreed to it, we turned around, and we took this guy home.
|Derping regally requires a lot of sleeping in between, preferably on the furniture when the big people aren't looking|
His first act of business as the new Basset Hound of the house was to steal Chris' cheeseburger when he was tending to the kids (I was out running the rest of my errands). He is seriously so much like Buddy.