Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Are we there yet?

In all honesty, I don't really feel like this IUI worked. I mean, it could just be pessimism creeping in, but I just feel this sense of foreboding. Chris and I talked about it the day I had my IUI. He feels the same way. Maybe it's because from the very beginning, roughly two years ago before we even knew we had problems, I felt like IVF would be the worst possible thing I could ever go through. Not because of the money (but the Lord is totally looking out for us on that one, my insurance rocks) or the actual procedure, but I just feel like I've failed somehow as a woman. In evolutionary terms, my genetics aren't supposed to perpetuate the gene pool. Thank goodness for medical progress. No amount of feeling sub-par in my species is going to make me give up my goal. I know that I shouldn't feel any less of a person or a woman for a variety of reasons, but when you're in this situation, the thought comes up, believe me. I mean, I should feel lucky, really. This is the most medically significant thing that's ever happened to me. It's good that it's not life threatening. I count my blessings, I really do. I'm so grateful to be where we are right now.
In Dec 2005, I applied for a job at Direct TV and got it. We were so broke because Chris had just come home and we foolishly had not planned on what we would do when he came home. I was thrilled to have a job. And two days after orientation I woke up and realized I forgot to take my drug test. I called them, and they told me I couldn't have the job because of it. I was devastated. But the same week, I got a temp job where I work now. I got hired on full time after three months. I am so lucky. I don't know of any other employer in the Valley that offers infertility insurance, but at the time, of course, I didn't think I'd ever need it. Even though, I have brief moments (and sometimes not so brief moments) of feeling inadequate as a human (physically, obviously), I know that there is a plan for us. It may be complex and painful to travel, but I know it's all leading up to the right moment. The time when it will all come together and start working. Well, it already is working; just not the way I want it to, lol.
So many things have happened in my life at very specific times, sometimes utterly against my will. And all of those situations came to the best possible resolution when I just gave up and let go. Not to say, I'm going to give up trying to conceive. I just really need to let go of all my fears and worries. Speaking of fears, though. You know how I told you the actual procedure of IVF didn't bother me? I mean, I've read through what happens and everything. Well, I just read it again today with the new mindset of "this will be happening to me". Okay, I am so weirded out with the egg retrieval. Anyone who doesn't want to read about the egg retrieval should stop reading here. Good night and good luck. So, yeah, they knock you out, puncture your vaginal wall with a needle and suck your eggs out of your ovaries with it. This makes your ovaries bleed and if you lay down the blood will pool in your diaphragm and make you hurt. What?! Puncture wounds sound no good at all! But, you know, of course I'll do it. I sound like a total pansy, don't I? Any way, this is all rambling. I hope you didn't come away from this thinking I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm really not. It's all an adventure of some kind. Different things in life come easier to some than others. Like I said, I have many blessings to count.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Holy crap, I finished my pirate quilt!! It doesn't actually have any pirates on it. It just has skulls and stripes on it.

I didn't do an awesome job on the binding, but hey, it was my first time. I learned several things about binding, though. a) I will never use pre-made bias tape again. b) I will never try to take a short cut by just sewing both sides at the same time. And most importantly c) I really hate bias tape (refer to lesson a). I am definitely not proficient enough at quilting yet to be a perfectionist, so I am very happy with my product. There's no way anyone can make me re-do it. It's warm, and it's lovely. Here's a close up of the fabrics I used.

The reason I finished my quilt is because I wanted to start on a new one. When I went down to Utah and visited my brother and his family, his wife introduced me to chenille quilting. I didn't actually get to see any of it being done, but I saw the finished project, and she told me the basics of how it was done. Well, Jo-Ann Fabrics is having a super sale for President's Day, and that was my opportunity to buy all the materials and everything I needed to make the quilt. So, this is the gist: you take several cuts of fabric and layer them, let's say 5 pieces. You sew diagonal seams about 3/4" apart from each other on the entire piece. You take this special blade by Olfa (which I got on sale for $15), and cut through the first four layers of fabric in between the seams. Or you could also cut through the first two layers on each side of the quilt, preserving the middle layer. You then bind the quilt and then wash and dry it for the chenille effect. If I'm wrong, please someone correct me. Otherwise I'll screw up my own, lol. Anyway, these are the fabrics I'm using for mine.

Front and back will be stripes, and the middle will be the light blue. I haven't decided which will be the binding yet. I'm excited, though! I've already started sewing the diagonal lines across. I'll definitely post pictures when I finish, even if it's five months in the future. I'm also currently waiting for yarn to come in the mail, and I'll be working on more stuff. I really do plan more projects than I should, don't you think?

Monday, February 11, 2008

I'm so lame. It been almost a month since I made a real post, huh?
I finished the apron for my sister in law this past weekend. It's really cute. I'll post pictures when I take some.
So I went to Utah, and I had a lot of fun. I saw my mom, my brother, his wife, and their daughter. Their daughter is soooo stinking cute! She's such a happy little baby, too. She has this big open mouth smile that can make anybody coo at her. She has a smile that just makes you happy. You should go look at her at my brother's blog.
So, the day I left for Utah, I also had an appointment with my RE, Dr. Foulk. Chris even willingly got out of bed and came with me. I felt bad because I knew he wouldn't get much sleep, but I'm glad he went with me. Dr. Foulk told us that if IUIs were going to work for us, they pretty much would have by now. That was a week after IUI #5, so we still didn't know if it had worked yet or not. Dr. Foulk said, if this cycle didn't work, we'd do one more IUI, but if that one didn't work, it really wouldn't be efficient to go forward with them anymore. At that point, our next option would be in vitro fertilization. Well, about a week later, we found out that IUI #5 failed, and we would have one more IUI before IVF. IUI #6 is tomorrow.
I've had a hard time emotionally coming to terms with the fact that we may be facing IVF to start our family. Doing the procedure isn't at all what bothers me. Our insurance will pay for most of it, although we will have to pay for a portion of it out of pocket. We are very very blessed to have this insurance. What I have the hardest time dealing with is the very real possibility of doing IVF and having it not work. The emotional trauma of it is so painful to think about. We may have enough insurance benefit to do it one more time if the first time doesn't work, but I'm not sure. I've had a couple of weeks to think about it, though. And I think I can accept the risk. What am I talking about? I know I can accept the risk. If we do IVF and it fails, it will be the hardest part of this journey yet. But how could I possibly not do it? Losing the money on a failed cycle is meaningless. We've been through plenty of those. But there's no amount of emotional distress I'm not willing to take on to see this through. Several people have suggested to me that we should adopt. And actually, we do plan on adopting, but now isn't the time. I know we'll be able to bear a child or two, and I know we're supposed to be doing this. Every time I think about holding my baby's tiny hands, it's all worth it.
I suppose I should finally respond to this. Jamie and Chris both singled me out. Eve, consider yourself tagged.
1. Where did you meet your husband? We met each other on the internets. Just two lonely fools looking for love in cyberspace... Er, um... yuck. I think I just threw up in my mouth.
2. What was the first thing said? I'm pretty sure I made the first move. I saw that Chris had looked at my profile pretty much non stop for three days, so I decided to break the ice for him. I sent him a message admiring his goals of growing a mullet and owning a Camaro one day. I also told him I was looking forward to seeing the Incredible Hulk movie. What can I say? We were pretty much meant for each other.
3. What was your first date? I'm assuming you mean the first date that didn't involve a computer. We met each other out in Utah, and my brother was hesitant to leave me with this hairy seemingly insane stranger (that would be Chris). Lucky for me, my brother hates me. Yay!
4. How long did you date? We dated for over a year or something. I don't know, dates escape me. Hey, at least I remember our anniversary.
5. Where did you get engaged? After foiling Chris' attempts at his secret plan of plans to woo me into matrimony, we went to my apartment and watched Pirates of the Caribbean. When the credits rolled, I asked him if he wanted to watch the special features to which his reply was, "Here's a special feature." Then he pulled my ring out from under the blanket we had over us and flashed it at me. I just kind of looked wide eyed and drooled a bit (you'd think he would've maybe put the ring down at that point), and he asked, "Well, how 'bout it?" Poor guy. Of course, I squealed like never before (really. I'm not exactly a squealer).
6. When did you know you loved each other? I don't know. I was so twitterpated over him. We communicated through email a lot because instant messenger programs were forbidden on his family's computer. Chris is a really funny guy. I think that it was a bit of an advantage getting to know him on the internet because he's fairly dead pan in person (well, unless you know him already). I know I was pretty much in love with him by the time I moved out to Moscow, though.
7. What does your ring look like? Pretty much like a fairy princess. It's white gold with a diamond in the middle and swirlies around the diamond. I still get happy warms feelings when I look at it. Oh, crap. I think I just threw up in my mouth again.
8. Where did you get married? In the Boise Idaho LDS Temple
9. How did the reception go? We had a very small reception that was planned in about three days. It went well, but we were sooooo tired by the time we left. Then we had to drive around forever trying to find a hotel room because all the rooms in Boise were booked. When we found one, they gave us a discount because we were still in our wedding clothes. So that was pretty cool.
10. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Honeymoon? We were supposed to have one of those?
11. Do you have pet-names for each other? Not really.

12. What's your favorite thing to do together? We have very different hobbies, but I like it when we can do our hobbies together. Like when I'm knitting and he's painting or reading a magazine, but we're in the same room. Holy crap, we're really boring, aren't we? I guess one thing we really like to do together is to go on road trips. We really like to drive around together. Okay, we're still boring.
13. Do you show affection for each other? Almost constantly, actually. I like it.
14. Do you have a song? I have to agree with Chris. We have a whole album. Scorpions - The Best of Rockers 'n' Ballads rocks the freakin' casbah. I think Chris bought it used at Hastings, and we listened to it all the way to Spokane where he was taking me to the airport. Incidentally, that also happened to be the first time we professed out love for each other (parting is such sweet sorrow, you know).
15. Do you like pygmy goats or regular goats better? This is a trick question, right? I mean, why would you want a normal sized goat when you could have a tiny goat that can jump five feet in the air with all the benefits of the normal sized goat with less mess? Really, there's just no contest.