Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I haven't posted about the news because the only person who reads this blog (um, me) has already settled into the disappointment of my crappy negative. On to IUI #4 for us. That's fine. I'm over it...mostly. I get to give myself more shots this week without Chris here to help me or give them to me if I can't bring myself to do it. I often wonder if I should just give up on getting pregnant. If maybe we should just save up to adopt. But I always get the feeling that we're just supposed to be doing this. For some reason, and only Heavenly Father knows, we're supposed to be going through this. It's deliberate, and at some point in my life, I'm almost sure I asked for it. Not specifically, of course, but in some way, I know I did. Can I take it back now? In spite of everything, we're so very blessed with the things we do have. Am I selfish for wanting more? Actually, that sounds like an oxymoron when you consider that by "wanting more" I mean that I want children. I guess I don't feel like giving my life to my family is a difficult choice. I'm glad I can tell each of my children how much they were wanted in this world and how much they were loved before they ever came.
I've had a question in my mind many times in the past couple of months. Why does anyone want kids? The answer in me is so intangible that it might break if I tried to make words for it. There's the obvious following the commandments answer, and I'm cool with that, but that's definitely not the whole answer here. Maybe I just try not to think about it because it makes me cry. Not because I'm sad, just because I'm impatient.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Waiting makes me crazy. I'm waiting for some yarn that I ordered, so I can start a sweet awesome project. The only thing is, I'm afraid that one of the colors is wrong. So I wish it would just get here already, so I can see. It's always sucks to buy yarn online when you don't know if what you're buying is what you really want. Luckily, if I have to return it, I can definitely use the in store credit. There's always more yarn I need. Yes, I need it.
I'm going to the foot doctor today. I've had this ingrown toenail that's been bothering me for well over a year, but I've always just cut it out as much as I could and kept going. My husband has finally convinced me to go to the doctor about it because they can take it out and make it stop coming back again. I can deal with that. There are so many doctors appointments that I need to make. I need to go to the dentist and I need to go to the eye doctor. I have an appt with my lady doctor this month, and if this IUI doesn't work, then I have another barrage of appointments with my baby making doctor (he's a reproductive endocrinologist- don't get the wrong idea). I'm tired of going to the doctor. I'm sure my boss is tired of it, too. I try to make as many appointments as I can on my day off, but sometimes it's just not possible. Then I have to kick my own butt trying to make up all the time I missed.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The anxiety begins again. Okay, so it never ended in the first place. We had our IUI yesterday. I managed to give myself my trigger shot on Monday night, and I was very proud of myself. We did a 36 hour IUI, and I hope that it works this time. It's hard being disappointed.
I still don't understand how three out of the four girls in my family have infertility issues. My mom never had problems and could turn her baby maker on and off with a switch. Then Rachel has to have an IUI to get pregnant (and had the baby, too), but lost her first natural pregnancy. Eve had a healthy successful pregnancy the first go around, got pregnant again only six months after Erick was born, and proceeded to have two miscarriages. She's in her second trimester w/ pregnancy #4 thanks to progesterone supplements. What the heck?
I'm just tired of being obsessed about getting pregnant. No one wants to hear about fertile cervical fluid or what position my cervix was in today. No one wants to hear about how painful my IUIs are, or about the pit in my stomach when I think about this one failing, too. Well, I take it back. The people who care about me don't mind listening, I suppose. But I'm sure it must be annoying for me to talk about all the time, but it's all I can think about! Mothers think about their children constantly, right? Infertile women do, too. But we can't talk about what our babies did today or how much they've grown. We can only talk about how many follicles we have to trigger this month, and what are our chances with this month's post-wash count?
Anyway, enough about that. I'm rambling, but of course I won't stop thinking about it. I've started another Felted Rose Handbag. I think I'm going to sell this one when I finish it. It's so hard to part with my finished projects when they go to strangers. Maybe I will feel better about it when I get money for them. I am also planning a knitted project, but I need to buy the right sized circular needles. I'm still a beginner knitter, so I haven't worked on circulars before. I hope that it will come easy to me. I'm not working from a pattern for this project, though, so hopefully it won't fail miserably. Well, I should go to bed now. I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep, and I'm dead tired.