Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'll sleep when I'm dead

I started to post last week. I even wrote a couple of sentences. And the child screeched for me, and I never got another opportunity. Well, I lie a little. I've had the opportunity, but lacked the mental fortitude. Because writing requires me to also be awake. Well, somewhat.

The happiest news is that my husband is done with school for the semester. Yay! I'm so relieved. It's difficult, though. Because he wants to do a lot of the stuff that he hasn't been able to do during school, such as his hobbies. But I also really want to get stuff done that I haven't been able to do during school, such as my hobbies. And I require him to care for the man-cub. So we'll have to reach some sort of compromise with our time that will keep both of us happy. I'm sure we'll be able to come up with something.

I've been having some completely whacked out dreams. It's like my crazy pregnancy dreams just never stopped after gestation. I have insanely vivid dreams every night between every waking and also during every nap, no matter how short or long. I've had dreams about bloggers, dreams about famous people, dreams about my family (Chris is really Batman, yo), and of course, dreams about complete strangers. Creepy dreams, happy dreams, meh dreams, they're all there. Perhaps my subconscious is making up for the lack of adult interaction I get on a regular basis. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me that I desperately need a good solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep with no one touching me.

An update on the house situation: We offered on another house, but someone else got it. We offered on yet another house, but it is a short sale. So we have to wait for the seller's lender to approve our offer price. The plus side is that the seller has accepted it. The crap side (yes, the opposite of plus is crap) is that their lender can take until July 15th to let us know. Technically, they have 120 days to decide, but they have the July deadline written in our offer. I really hope it doesn't take that long. I am so ready to move.

I should be in bed asleep, but it's been really bothering me that I haven't posted in so long. I mean, what will my fans think (ha ha!)? No really, I just need an outlet somewhere, even if it's not deeply soul-baring or anything. I need to make sure my brain still works a little bit. You know, just to crank out the drivel I produce here. I have this need that is somewhat hard to put into words. It started while I was pregnant, just in the first trimester. I love being a mother, but I'm terrified of having it completely define me. I blanch at the title of Stay at Home Mom, even though that is technically what I am. Not that I would like to work away from home or anything. I just want to be more than a mom. I want to have dreams, too. Which is fine, of course. That's what everyone will say. But these dreams that I make will have to be attainable, otherwise I'll be unhappy, which is no good. So I'm kind of afraid of aspiring to be more than a mom because I don't want to fail. Well, I guess I sort of can put it into words. Who needs a therapist to tell you things when you can just write it out on your blog? Anyway, I also feel a bit guilty for wanting to be more than a mom because that's what I've wanted for so long. Like being a mom is supposed to fulfill every lifelong dream I could ever have, but it doesn't. Blech. Mommy-guilt. Here, have a picture of my delicious offspring instead.

Bippity bobbity boo!


  1. But you do have your dreams... every night and during naps. It gets easier when they can walk, then you can walk away from them and they'll follow you around. Which will have it's downfalls too, but it's nice not to have them attached to you.

  2. I keep digging in the bed thinking I buried the baby in the blankets. Every.single.night. She has never slept in our bed. I think I'm going nuts.

    He is totally delicious. NOM!

  3. I wish we lived closer. Then we could talk about this mommy guilt stuff together and be each other's therapists. Even if you call it drivel, I love reading your posts. It's nice to be able to relate to someone on some kind of level, ya know?

  4. Jamie, I know, I KNOW! I was so hoping that Mike would find a job in Boise. Cuz, you know, I'm selfish that way. I want so much to come out and visit you, too. It would be a good deal to be each other's therapists. It would be free and ice cream could be consumed simultaneously. Now, that's my kind of therapy.