Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I haven't posted about the news because the only person who reads this blog (um, me) has already settled into the disappointment of my crappy negative. On to IUI #4 for us. That's fine. I'm over it...mostly. I get to give myself more shots this week without Chris here to help me or give them to me if I can't bring myself to do it. I often wonder if I should just give up on getting pregnant. If maybe we should just save up to adopt. But I always get the feeling that we're just supposed to be doing this. For some reason, and only Heavenly Father knows, we're supposed to be going through this. It's deliberate, and at some point in my life, I'm almost sure I asked for it. Not specifically, of course, but in some way, I know I did. Can I take it back now? In spite of everything, we're so very blessed with the things we do have. Am I selfish for wanting more? Actually, that sounds like an oxymoron when you consider that by "wanting more" I mean that I want children. I guess I don't feel like giving my life to my family is a difficult choice. I'm glad I can tell each of my children how much they were wanted in this world and how much they were loved before they ever came.
I've had a question in my mind many times in the past couple of months. Why does anyone want kids? The answer in me is so intangible that it might break if I tried to make words for it. There's the obvious following the commandments answer, and I'm cool with that, but that's definitely not the whole answer here. Maybe I just try not to think about it because it makes me cry. Not because I'm sad, just because I'm impatient.

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