Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Are we there yet?

In all honesty, I don't really feel like this IUI worked. I mean, it could just be pessimism creeping in, but I just feel this sense of foreboding. Chris and I talked about it the day I had my IUI. He feels the same way. Maybe it's because from the very beginning, roughly two years ago before we even knew we had problems, I felt like IVF would be the worst possible thing I could ever go through. Not because of the money (but the Lord is totally looking out for us on that one, my insurance rocks) or the actual procedure, but I just feel like I've failed somehow as a woman. In evolutionary terms, my genetics aren't supposed to perpetuate the gene pool. Thank goodness for medical progress. No amount of feeling sub-par in my species is going to make me give up my goal. I know that I shouldn't feel any less of a person or a woman for a variety of reasons, but when you're in this situation, the thought comes up, believe me. I mean, I should feel lucky, really. This is the most medically significant thing that's ever happened to me. It's good that it's not life threatening. I count my blessings, I really do. I'm so grateful to be where we are right now.
In Dec 2005, I applied for a job at Direct TV and got it. We were so broke because Chris had just come home and we foolishly had not planned on what we would do when he came home. I was thrilled to have a job. And two days after orientation I woke up and realized I forgot to take my drug test. I called them, and they told me I couldn't have the job because of it. I was devastated. But the same week, I got a temp job where I work now. I got hired on full time after three months. I am so lucky. I don't know of any other employer in the Valley that offers infertility insurance, but at the time, of course, I didn't think I'd ever need it. Even though, I have brief moments (and sometimes not so brief moments) of feeling inadequate as a human (physically, obviously), I know that there is a plan for us. It may be complex and painful to travel, but I know it's all leading up to the right moment. The time when it will all come together and start working. Well, it already is working; just not the way I want it to, lol.
So many things have happened in my life at very specific times, sometimes utterly against my will. And all of those situations came to the best possible resolution when I just gave up and let go. Not to say, I'm going to give up trying to conceive. I just really need to let go of all my fears and worries. Speaking of fears, though. You know how I told you the actual procedure of IVF didn't bother me? I mean, I've read through what happens and everything. Well, I just read it again today with the new mindset of "this will be happening to me". Okay, I am so weirded out with the egg retrieval. Anyone who doesn't want to read about the egg retrieval should stop reading here. Good night and good luck. So, yeah, they knock you out, puncture your vaginal wall with a needle and suck your eggs out of your ovaries with it. This makes your ovaries bleed and if you lay down the blood will pool in your diaphragm and make you hurt. What?! Puncture wounds sound no good at all! But, you know, of course I'll do it. I sound like a total pansy, don't I? Any way, this is all rambling. I hope you didn't come away from this thinking I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm really not. It's all an adventure of some kind. Different things in life come easier to some than others. Like I said, I have many blessings to count.

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