Funny...

I was looking through the pictures I took of Ben in the past couple of weeks and realized that the picture I posted earlier was pre-haircut. He has a comb over that's hiding the long hairs in the front. So here's a picture of him afterward. He's a handsome fellow, but perhaps I'm biased.

Ben's grandpa gave him his first haircut. His hair was growing into his eyes.



Man, I'm tired. Ben is 17 1/2 lbs. It takes a lot of milk to satisfy that child. Milks well into the night. I don't mind. I'm just tired. He sleeps a lot better than he used to. My only problem now is that he won't sleep without me, but we're working on it.

Chris and I have started house hunting. Due to the unfortunate state of the economy, we may actually be able to afford a house payment. There are a lot of options in the valley that might actually be able to work out for us. I'm pretty excited at the possibility of owning a house. I'm so tired of living in our tiny little trailer. Our family has gotten too big. And by family, I'm also including dogs, tortoises, and all of our stuff. So having more space for all of us affordably would be pretty cool.

I have so much to write, but no time. Having a kid takes up a lot of your energy. It's pretty much the best job I could ever ask for.

The pay stinks, but the hours are great!

I have joined the ranks of the unemployed as of March 6th at 4:45 pm. To be completely honest, it's a little bittersweet. I will preface this by saying that I do not, in any way, think stay at home moms are not contributing just as much to their families as their husbands. This is simply an expression of my own guilt and not a judgment on anyone. That being said, I totally do not feel like I am contributing as much as my husband is. It makes me feel an immense amount of guilt. He works full time and is taking 12 credits. His butt is being kicked daily and he gets four to five hours of sleep every night. He has so much stress, and I can't really do anything to alleviate it. And now I'm not working, and I'm doing what I want to do, which is being a stay at home mom. I really really appreciate my husband so much for everything he does. He doesn't give me any grief about not working anymore, and he's glad that our kid is being raised primarily by me and not an outside caregiver. I'm so glad I married the guy that I did.

This past week has felt more like I've been on vacation than anything else. I don't feel like work is done. I feel like I'll be going back to my desk at work on Monday, whenever Monday comes because every day is perpetually Saturday. It's weird.

You should use a battle axe.

One very unfortunate side effect of working full time, feeding your family regularly, keeping the kitchen somewhat clean, and parenting a small baby is that my hygiene routinely suffers. I manage to brush my teeth and hair every day, but showers just don't always make it into my schedule. Sure, I know, there are at least hundreds of women who are able to do all this - and more(!), but I am not one of them.

Another, albeit marginally, unfortunate side effect of my sad bathing status is that the hair on my legs gets shaved maybe once or twice a month. So sad and gross. Why am I even telling you this? Because you're my friend, that's why. (Aren't you just so glad we're friends?) This is only embarrassing when my pant leg rides up when I'm crossing my legs. Lucky for me, I cross them all the time! I'm surprised no one has called the Sasquatch Gang, because BIG FOOT LIVES IN IDAHO AND SHE WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY! Also lucky for me, my secret is safe because no one has reported me- yet. I should also add that the last time I shaved my legs, I broke my last Intuition razor cartridge. You know that nice lotiony moisturizing bar that surrounds the razor? Gone. Broken by my porcupine leg hairs after its second use. I've still been using it to shave my armpits with copious amounts of Dove. What? Those cartridges are expensive. I've got to get my money's worth.

Anyway, I managed to get a shower today because my husband reminded me that I had planned on taking one (hint, HINT, stinky!). And I tackled the beast what lives on my lower extremities. With copious amounts of Dove because I forgot to buy more razor cartridges. I didn't even make it up to my knee caps because the hair was so long. I'm talking like a third of an inch or so. Again, sad and gross. You might ask me why I am telling you this. Well, I heard you needed to feel better about yourself, and since we're friends, I thought I'd oblige.

My last day at work is Friday, and I am so ready. I am tired of pumping my breasts four times a day like a dairy cow. I am tired of my sitter over-estimating how much Ben will eat and wasting my hard earned milk at the end of the day. I'm tired of sitting around at work with nothing to do. It's so boring, and I still have to act like I'm doing something, right? Most of all, I'm so tired of being away from my kid. I'm so glad it's almost Friday.

Cash or Credit

If I want something awesome handmade by my strep throat wielding friend, ucmama, I must pay it forward (to the highest bidder, muahahahaha. Okay, not the highest bidder.)

Sooooooooo, here are the rules. Copied and pasted because I am lazy. But not so lazy that I won't follow through.

Be one of the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post and I will send you a handmade gift sometime in the next 3 months.
You get to pay it forward as well by doing the same thing for 3 people on your blog.
Once you leave a comment telling me that you want to participate, you need to make a pay it forward post on your blog within one day.
So, anyone game? You can be a friend, family member, or even a random visitor to this blog. Just as long as you’re willing to pay it forward, you are eligible to participate!

ETA: Please also answer these questions three:
1) What is your favorite color?
2) Would you like a craft that is knit, crocheted, or sewn?
3) Do you wear jewelry and what kind?

Who says the honeymoon has to be over?

Can I just say how much I love my husband? I love him the most. He is the only man who has ever sent me flowers. Sure I’ve been given flowers before, but Chris has had them sent to me. Most recently, he had them sent to me today at work. I just loooooooove surprises. And apparently, he ordered them on Friday and kept the secret from me all weekend. If you know my husband, then you know it almost killed him to hide it for that long. I have the best husband ever.

One week down, five to go

Times are crazy, and I am ill equipped. My husband is working full time and going to school full time. I am working full time and caring for a child full time. We are about to move. My, I am tired.

I think I misrepresented my husband a bit in my last post. He is quite helpful. It’s just that while I was staying at home, I opted to be Ben’s night time caregiver because I could sleep all day with him and Chris couldn’t. I didn’t want him to have to suffer all night and all day from lack of sleep. The weekends, however, were a different story. And now that I am back at work, we switch off with each other.

I started working again on Monday. My computer login was disabled while I was on leave. Lovely. I actually knew about this ahead of time and asked my supervisor to submit the form necessary to open my login again. She did her part, but apparently the security team took their sweet time about it. So I couldn’t do anything half the day before they activated it for me. And then on Thursday, it happened again. And also today. Annoying, yes.

I found a home day care really close to work, so I can see Ben at lunch and nurse him. The lady seems really nice, and she only has a couple of other children in her care. She has a rocking chair she lets me use to nurse him in. She also gives us a written report every day on when he ate and slept and how much and how his day was. It’s really nice. And for the record, I’m really glad I’m on Prozac right now. I’d been taking the whole day care thing extremely well. I was surprised, but I figured it was easier because I get to see Ben at lunch time. And then I forgot to take my dose on Wednesday, which didn’t affect me until Thursday. I bawled all the way to work and cried at my desk. I could barely function. I had very real ideas of going to pick Ben up and going home with him for good. I felt so horrible. But by lunch time, my Thursday dose kicked in and I felt much better. I hope I don’t have to be on this long term, but I can appreciate being on it now.

Pumping is going fairly well. I still don’t particularly like it, but my milk supply is increasing so it’s getting easier. And I have to pump like crazy. Right now I’m pumping four times a day, twice before lunch and twice after. I’m only supposed to pump twice at work on my two breaks, but I can’t only pump twice. I don’t get nearly enough milk. I’m so surprised at how much Ben eats. That kid can really put it away. But I do also realize that he could also be comfort eating or the sitter offers him a bottle and he takes if even if he’s not really hungry. Either way, I have to have the milk available for him. So far, so good, but I do stress about it. I realize it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he had to have some formula to supplement my milk, but I would just rather not have that happen if I can help it. I’m trying to help it.

Our sleep rollercoaster continues. Ben has much better days after he’s had a lot of sleep, so I’ve been trying to get him to sleep earlier. Getting him to sleep at 8:30 doesn’t seem to be a problem at the moment. But if I want him to stay asleep, I have to go to bed with him, too. He still won’t sleep for long periods of time by himself. I just don’t have it in me to try and get him to sleep in his bed while I’m working. I’ll get so much less sleep that way. So I’m hoping to start helping him to be comfortable sleeping by himself when I stop working. Then I can be there for him when he wakes up in the night and I won’t feel like a zombie the next day, or worse, resent Ben for making me a zombie.

Sorry I don’t update more. I can’t make any promises to update more right now either. In the meantime, you should read this article. I laughed so much, it made Ben start giggling hysterically. And yes, I think butts and poop are funny.

Happy New Year

The longer I wait to blog, the more I have to say, and thus, the harder it is to write. My intrinsic laziness sets in, and I just stare at the blank screen thinking of all the things I want to tell you. And then I get so overwhelmed by the magnitude of it that I just start reading other people's blogs, or I start typing an incoherent stream of consciousness that I don't even want to read back through again. So I'm going to try and compartmentalize all this as much as possible so that you three readers I have left won't leave here with your eyes bleeding.

Let us address the crying baby. He doesn't cry as much anymore, which is so very wonderful. However, he solidly has his days and nights mixed up. There was one week, one blissful, beautiful, delicious week where he slept at night. And because he sleeps besides me, I can nurse him while I sleep. And before you judge me for sleeping with him, I will just tell you that we both actually get sleep this way. And that is why I'm not willing to try and give it up until after I'm not working anymore. Anyway, then he got a cold and he started going to sleep at 4 am again.

Ben is a joy when he first wakes up. He smiles and coos and giggles. And about half an hour to forty five minutes later, he's crabby. He's tired and cranky. This is when he cries. But, he fights the nap. He fights it so hard. And when he does go to sleep? He will wake up again within the hour. The result is the two of us fighting over sleep all day and him not getting enough sleep during the day which makes him overtired when it's time for him to go to bed for the night and then it's really hard to get him to sleep. And I don't mean I put him down for a nap and then he wakes up (because I know he'll wake up if I put him down). I'm holding him in the exact same way he went to sleep, and he'll still wake up.

I asked his doctor how I should go about switching his nights and days back around. He told me that I should limit his naps during the day and when he wakes up at night, don't interact with him other than to feed him or change him and that's it. And also keep the lights off. But don't pick him up or play with him or make eye contact. Well, if he wakes up in the bed, I have to pick him up to go into the living room so we don't keep Chris up. So there goes that. Last night, I was trying really hard not to make eye contact or encourage him to be awake or anything. But I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and he was just smiling ear to ear at me. And how can I resist? I don't want him to think smiling won't get my attention. So I looked at him and smiled back. He started kicking his legs and waving his arms in excitement, and he was giggling like crazy. My word, this kid already knows how to melt his mama. So of course, I played with him. My heart is not made of stone, and apparently neither is my resolve. I'm pretty much going to die when I have to go back to work.

I went to my doctor again today about ppd. The estradiol didn't work as my doctor had hoped. What it did do was decrease my milk supply and give me a period. Yay! So I started taking fenugreek to boost my milk. It finally kicked in last night. It's super sweet. I got 4 oz of milk in 7 minutes today when I usually only get 2 oz in 20. This is going to make pumping and working so so much easier. So even though my doc took me off the estradiol today, I'm definitely sticking with the fenugreek until I get laid off. Now I get to try Prozac. I'm not really thrilled about going on an anti-depressant, but I'm not getting any better on my own. Mostly, I just wish this would all go away. I don't want to deal with it, and I can't tell you how many times I thought about canceling the follow up with my doctor and just not dealing with it. But it's important to me to try and really be there for Ben. He's having such a rough time getting his sleep together, and I'm not going to be able to help him if I'm falling apart. I really really hope the Prozac works.

A happy thing that I have to share is my weight loss. I've lost 38 lbs since I had Ben. I still have 14 lbs until pre-pregnancy weight and, oh, probably 40 lbs until before I started trying to conceive weight, but I'm encouraged. I haven't done anything to lose this weight so far (just breastfeeding and staying hydrated), so I'm really trying to get motivated to start at least walking to get some exercise. But my big excuse right now is the snow. I just don't want to walk around in it. My other excuse not to walk in the snow is that I'm notoriously clumsy and I will slip and fall with my baby hanging on me in his sling. I'm sure even if we didn't have so much snow, I'd still have some sort of lame excuse. But I can still be happy about the weight I have lost and try not to put any back on.

I have other things I want to blog about, but I'm so tired. I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep and I should be sleeping with my baby right now. If anyone has any ideas about how to keep Ben asleep through his sleep cycles during his naps, that would be appreciated. He's not waking up because he's hurting. He always wakes up happy; he just wakes up too early.

The Good, the Bad, and the Merry

There is very good news, indeed:

Ben has belly laughs in his sleep and give us the chuckles when we play with him. It is cute.

Ben slept last night. No kidding. I'm hoping for a repeat performance tonight, but I'm just so glad I had a little bit of a break. Thank you so much for your comments, by the way. I really appreciate them.

My husband is awesome. Okay, so that's not really news, but it is good.

And the best news of the day is this: You know how I'm getting laid off, right? Well, out of the three people in my group, I was getting laid off in the first quarter of next fiscal year (somewhere between March and June for us) while the other two ladies were given fourth quarter (which ends at the end of February). I asked if I could switch with one of them, and I was just told today that I can! Yay! This means I get my severance package (which is the only reason I wanted to work until getting laid off), and I'll get to stop working outside of the home sometime towards the end of February.

The bad news is: My dogs smell bad. Again, this isn't news at all, but it is bad.

Merry Christmas to you from us.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Could I buy a good night's sleep on eBay?

Wow. I think this child has colic in full force. The kind of colic where nothing is wrong with him, but he's crying his head off. We can't see where he might be in pain or anything. He just has this internal clock that goes off at about 3 or 4 in the morning, and he is completely inconsolable for about three hours. And we've tried everything. Swaddling, shushing, swinging, dancing, jiggling, rocking, singing, crying (that would be me), snuggling, and of course the obligatory diaper change and feeding. And nothing works. He's also very sleepy the entire time, and fights the sleep tooth(less?) and nail. I also had a friend suggest that perhaps he was just tired of being held. So I tried putting him down. Yeah, that didn't work either. You might think he was kept up too late, and he's overtired and crabby. But if he is already asleep (like he was last night), he will wake up at the appointed hour and start the crying. And then, at the second appointed hour (you know, three hours later), he magically closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

Now, this might not be so bad because I'm not working right now, except that I've been unable to sleep when he's sleeping. I've had insomnia pretty bad. And so by the time he's gone to sleep at the end of his crying jag, I'm so dead. It's only then that I finally sleep, and my brain wakes me up for the day about six hours later (I sleep with Ben so I barely have to wake up for him to nurse). I guess the only thing pulling us through is the promise that it will get better, which we've been told by pretty much everyone.

Unfortunately, this is all compounded by the baby blues that have not gone away. The baby blues that have only gotten worse (particularly with the lack of sleep). The baby blues that could now be considered postpartum depression. And it's pretty hard. I finally saw my doctor for my six week visit, and he prescribed some low dose estradiol for me. He's hoping that by upping my estrogen a little, it will pull me out of it. I'm hoping that, too. *sigh* It all just makes me very very tired.

I do enjoy Ben, though. During the day, he's a happy little guy. He smiles a lot and goos and likes to snuggle. I'm really glad that nursing is working out for us. The hormones that are released are probably pretty good for my emotional well being. I still love him at night when he's crying, too. I just wish I knew what to do to help him feel better. It breaks my heart that I can't help him, even if I know it's nothing personal. If anyone has any more ideas I haven't tried, feel free to throw it out there. I can't say I'll try absolutely anything, but I am definitely open to trying something I haven't before.

I should probably be asleep right now because the kid is sleeping soundly, but I know if I go lie down, I will be awake for another twenty minutes as I try to fall asleep. So I'll just prolong the inevitable a little.

I've been feeling like a bit of a sort of zombie lately. What's today again? Days and nights and days all meld together like a sleepless crying snuggly fondue, if you can imagine that. My guess is that if you have children, you can. I hear it gets easier. I also hear that the crying peaks at 6 weeks. And when I told my mom that Ben fights sleep by screaming for hours (or until we get it into our heads that we should swaddle him, etc- duh) (perhaps hours is an exaggeration), she told me that it's normal. Whew. That is our light at the end of the tunnel. And also, my kid was born with a mullet. It's a trailer park phenomenon.


Every time I come here to blog, I can only think of things to write about Ben. Oh, wait. That's because everything in my life right now involves my baby. Not that it's a bad thing at all. I actually went to Enrichment Night at church this past Tuesday because a friend of mine had planned and organized the program, so I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it. And so, I left Chris with the baby by himself. For a whole hour, folks. I pumped a bottle that morning. It was my first time pumping, so I really didn't know what to expect. I got a little less than two oz, which felt pretty measly. Ben slept the whole time I was gone, but he was hungry and crying just I got home. So I warmed up the bottle and gave it to Chris to feed him. He sucked those two oz down in about three minutes, and was still hungry. I hope that the pump gets more than that out once I get going with this whole business. Otherwise, I'm in trouble.

Let me tell you, I do not like this business with the bottles. I realize that it's ridiculous, but I feel like maybe he won't need me anymore once he has a bottle and someone else is taking care of him and I'm at work. Like, I said, I realize it's ridiculous, but it's there. I plan on finding a care provider close to work, so I can nurse on lunch break, but I still have anxiety. I also plan on not working anymore when I get laid off, but I don't know when that will happen. It's going to be a hard however many months when I go back to work. And I don't want to do it, but my severance package is worth staying until I get canned. We all have to do things we don't want to do, right?

Anyway, enough of that. If I keep thinking about it, I'll just get all messed up about it way before I have to. I want to talk about turkey. Yes, that delicious bird you ate for Thanksgiving. We went to my in laws' house for dinner, and it was incredible, as always. But when Chris and I finished eating our leftover turkey (like, a day later), we needed more. You see, I usually cook a Thanksgiving meal just for us as well. Because sometimes splitting leftovers with all of the rest of everyone leaves us with only one day's worth of delicious turkey meats. And also, I just love cooking turkeys. It gives me a sweet meaty satisfaction to cook a juicy delicious bird. (I can roast a mean turkey. It will slap your mouth with tenderness.) I decided not to cook our own meal this year because obviously, there is a needier mouth in our home now. He makes it a little difficult to orchestrate such projects. However, our leftover turkey left a longing need in our mouths for more turkey. So I bought a turkey breast to cook because we are only two people, and we don't really need a whole turkey, right? We finished said turkey breast in a couple of days. And still we needed more. So I bought a whole turkey, and I was finally able to cook it today. I don't know how long it will last, but I won't be upset if I still have to cook another one after this. I seriously love cooking turkeys.

And ever since I have been cooking turkeys, I have always tried to make turkey gravy. Turkey gravy is my nemesis. I have never been able to get it right. It's always lumpy or tasteless or too thin or thick and always just wrong. But when I cop out and use the gravy packet that comes with some turkeys, it's gross. I've been spoiled by my father in law's gravy. It's so good.
But! This turkey that I made today! I made gravy! And it was good. Not at good as my father in law's, but it was still pretty good. I've finally made a gravy I wouldn't be embarrassed to serve to someone other than my husband (and really, I'm still embarrassed to serve the crappy gravies to him, too). Success!

Now for more pictures. We just got a new camera, so we've been taking many more pictures. Please enjoy my baby's chubby cheeks. Thank you.



Please ignore all the miscellaneous crap on my kitchen counter...


Do you know how many pictures and how many days it took for us to get this picture? This kid just does not perform for an audience. As soon as the camera comes out, he stops doing whatever cute thing we wanted to capture.

So long, and thanks for all the poop

Happy Black Friday everyone. Also, Black Friday makes me want to die. I want to take advantage of the sweet coupons and sales at Joann. And so does everyone else in the Treasure Valley. People with carts filled to the brim with bolts of fabric in a line stretching to the back of the store at 7 am. Which, mind you, is nothing compared to the Super Joann that we went to in Draper, UT last year. I am so glad that I wasn't there to buy fabric. Holy crap. Let me tell you what, Mormons sure do like to quilt with fabric that was purchased on sale. That place was insane.

Anyway, back to this morning. I wouldn't have minded waiting in line for all that time except I had Ben with me, and I had failed to coerce my husband into coming with me (it didn't even occur to me to ask him). I figured if I got there at 6:30 am, I would beat some of the crowd. And maybe I did. I just underestimated the size of the crowd. But we have three Joann stores in Boise, for pete's sake. Ben has this new sweet little habit of waking up in the middle of the night and crying inconsolably for three or four hours. Last night was one of those nights. Luckily, I did have Chris to care for him for about an hour until my alarm went off, so I could get a little bit of sleep before waking up to go to Joann. We all have colds right now, so that makes everything slightly crappier. Also, a little tiny three week old baby with a cold is so sad. I wonder if he wakes up and cries because it's hard to breathe through his snot nose even after it's suctioned out.

So Ben cried intermittently all the way to the first Joann store. He usually falls asleep in the car, but he kept waking up to cry some more. When it seemed he was not going to fall asleep again, I stopped the car in a parking lot to try and console him. He fell asleep as I pulled into the parking lot, and didn't wake up again until we got to the second Joann store (I didn't even go into the first store I went to. The parking lot was packed.). He was content in his carseat perched on the shopping cart for about ten minutes. When I took him out and held him, he was fine. All was well. I picked out my fabrics with one hand and went to line up for the cutting table. And that's when I realized I was a moron for not taking my husband with me. The line was so long. It would take forever, and I knew Ben would get hungry before I got out of there. Now I don't mind breastfeeding in public (especially since my mom and I made some sweet nursing covers from here), but I didn't have anyone to stand with my cart. I put my fabric back and left. Ben was happy all the way home and snuggled up with me to go to sleep. And we slept for a very long time. Well, he did. I wish I could sleep and eat at the same time. Oh, and poop, too. He's a multi-tasker, that one. But I got a lot of sleep during the morning hours.

And here's another reason that Black Friday sucks.

This is going to sound really cheesy, and I guess it is. I was thinking today about how unprepared I was to fall so completely in love with this baby. I mean, long before I ever conceived, when we wished and prayed constantly for kids, I knew I would love my baby. But I was unprepared for the real thing. And it's so awesome. I looked at my little squirmy guy snuggled up to me tummy to tummy, and I realized that this is exactly how my mom felt, too. Even though she had six kids, she had individual time with each of us, at least while nursing, and she felt the same way I do about my kid about me and each of my siblings (but more about me because I'm THE baby, heh). And then I thought about my teenage years, and I felt pretty bad. Sorry about that, Mom. But invariably, I also thought about our Heavenly Father and how much he must love us. And wow. That's a lot. Okay, so this ended up really not being written very well because I'm not so good about verbalizing feelings, but I think you can gather where I was trying to go with this. In short, being a parent is the most fulfilling and will be the most heart wrenching experience I will ever have. I'm so incredibly blessed to be mom.

And here are some more pics.

This whole taking care of another person thing is kind of insane. Especially when that person doesn't like to sleep by himself and relies on your milk bar as his sole source of nutrition. This is actually a rare moment that he's sleeping in his co-sleeper. I was able to brush my teeth, use the bathroom, and eat some breakfast.

I shouldn't have jinxed myself. I am now a prize Jersey milk cow. I'm kidding. I actually like it when he's awake during the day. It's the night time waking that's hard for me. He's been having tummy troubles at different times during the night, and I feel so bad for him. It has to be something I ate because I'm also having tummy troubles. Poor little guy. I try to pump his legs and rub his belly, but it doesn't seem to help. The only thing that helps a little is to hold him upright with his bum in my hand and jiggle the toots out of him.

Anyway, how do you get your kid to sleep in his or her bed? I swaddle him, and that helps a lot, but he will still usually only sleep for about an hour before waking up.

Also, here is another picture of my little boy. He looks so much like his daddy to me.

I'll give you a real post at some point. I'm still adjusting to my new schedule, which is to say, I don't have one. Ben is amazing. I loved him when I was pregnant with him, but I didn't know how much more I would love him when he was born. I think I can understand why the Duggars have so many kids. Clearly, they have a chronic addiction to newborns. Here is another picture. I have no doubt that you will get tired of seeing my kid in the somewhat near future, especially when we finally catch his little open mouthed smiles on camera.

My cup runneth over...

Er, quite literally, but you probably don't need the details of that.

Wow. Where do I even begin? The event I've been dreaming about for years has finally happened. The birth of my little boy, Benjamin.

I woke up at about 1:15 on Monday morning and felt like I had peed myself. So I got up and continued "peeing" on myself all the way to the bathroom. I was pretty sure it was my water. So I woke Chris up, who wasn't really even asleep yet. He had stayed up kind of late. I called my doctor, who of course told me to go to the hospital. Heh, when I woke up my mom (who flew in on Saturday, yay!), she asked if maybe we should just keep sleeping and see if I started having contractions. It made me laugh, but in retrospect, I really wish we could have.

So to the hospital we went, and triage did all sorts of horrible things to me trying to determine if it was indeed amniotic fluid I was leaking. I am so glad I never had to go in for a false alarm. I was admitted, but still not really in labor. I was having contractions, but they were extremely mild and irregular. But I was so excited! I was going to have a baby in the next 24 hours! The doctor on call wanted to go ahead and start me on a high dose of pitocin to get things moving. Wanting to try and deal with the pain without medication, I asked if we could try to avoid that. So they gave me 6 hours to try and move my labor along myself by walking and using the jacuzzi and the birthing ball. After that check, I was 2 cm and 80% effaced, which was definite progress from my initial 1 cm. So they let me hold off on the pit. Time after that became a total blur. I think it was a few hours, but I started having some much heavier contractions and was a lot more uncomfortable. All for one more cm. My doctor (who was now a different doctor on call and is so freaking awesome) suggested I go ahead and start pitocin, and they would gradually increase the dose. We were, after all, on a time schedule. The goal is to have a baby within 24 hours of your water breaking because the chance of infection to the baby greatly increases after that.
So I started working through much stronger, more regular contractions. And they got really really hard. They were coming every 1-2 minutes, and they had multiple peaks. I really thought that if I wasn't in transition, I had to be close. The contractions felt constant. At this point, it was well into the evening on Monday. I had about an hour and a half of sleep from the night before when my water broke. I was incredibly tired. At the next check, I was 4 cm, 100% effaced. Now, you know I'm a crybaby, and I totally cried. I felt so overwhelmed. I had great support from my husband, my mom, and my mother in law. They told me how great I was doing, but I felt like I would die if I couldn't sleep and I had to keep having those contractions with little to no progress indefinitely. So I asked for some Staidol to help with the pain. Unfortunately, it didn't help with the pain of the peaks of my contractions, so I would fall asleep and wake up in the middle of horrible pain and have to try and get it together to breathe through it. This went on for about half an hour (or something, like I said, time was a blur), and I asked for an epidural. I needed sleep. I had been in labor all morning, afternoon, and evening. It was about 9:30 pm when I asked. They didn't waste any time in getting it for me either. The anesthesiologist rushed in and did his thing, and I felt like a different person. I figured they would just up the pitocin at this point, and I would sleep until it was time to push. I told my husband to go ahead and run home to let the dogs out and feed them.
After he left, my doctor came in and checked me. I was at 5 cm, but my cervix had started to swell. He recommended I have a c-section because it was very unlikely for my labor to continue successfully. I quickly agreed, and my mother in law called my husband to tell him to come back.
It all happened really fast after that. They wheeled me into the operating room. All the nurses and doctors were all joking and chatting and getting me ready. It was really relaxed, which made me feel more relaxed. My epidural was increased, so I didn't feel anything. My husband came in and sat beside me, and the next thing I knew my abdomen felt like it was being pulled and squished like taffy. It didn't hurt, but it was weird. I heard someone say how big he was, and then how hairy he was. And then I heard that he looked like he was too mad to cry. Chris peeked over my blue sterile canopy and told me he was so hairy! And then I heard Ben cry. And it made me cry, too. Because he was finally here. My sweet little booger man.


Benjamin Grimm
Born 11/03/2008 10:35 pm
Weight: 7 lbs 12 oz

Welcome home, little guy.

If you want to destroy my sweater....

On second thought, please don't destroy my sweater. Then my child will have to roam naked.


P.S. Isn't our wood paneling sexy?

A Crying Shame

Today I had my 39 week appointment. My doctor told me a couple of weeks ago that if I was ready at 39 weeks, she'd scrape my membranes and give me a 50% chance of going into labor while she's on call (I love my doctor. I don't want some stranger pulling out my kid.). Oh such false hope was built into me! Built into this very day! I should have known better.

She found my baby's heart with the doppler and did a little dance to the beat. His heart makes me want to dance, too, but I'm afraid I just might fall if I tried. She measured my grossly distended belly and declared his growth to be perfect. She felt around my baby's shape and said he'd probably be seven lbs and some change. And then she did my internal exam. And I am still 1 cm, although it is an "easy" 1 cm now. Two weeks ago I guess it was a difficult 1 cm. And my cervix has moved farther down still and is easier to reach. "Next week, you'll have this baby," she said. I will not lie to you. I cried. I tried not to, but I did. I really want to have this baby right now. *sigh* My doctor is so nice. She gave me some tissues and kind, sympathetic words. "You've fought so hard to get to where you are, and now you just have to fight just a little bit more. This part of your baby's life is such a short time." And she also told me to get more sleep. I must be looking extra haggard today because the nurse also asked me how I was sleeping. The answer is: not very well. I toss and turn a lot (with Herculean effort these days) and wake up with hip pain often, not to mention the several times a night I pull my whale body out of bed to go pee.

Pregnancy has not treated me badly in comparison to what it could be. However, I have yet to meet anyone who enjoys these last few weeks. My bones feel like they're going to fall apart. The weight of my baby pulls down on my stomach and makes me ache when I walk. My back begins to explode in angry furor after standing and making dinner (or cleaning or whatever else I do while standing) for only ten minutes. Making apple pie filling is difficult because of this. By the way, Mom, I'm going to enlist your help in making apple pie filling before all my apples go bad. I'll pay you with a baby (but you don't get to take him home... sorry).

I've prayed about it, and I've thought about it, and I've decided I just can't be butthurt about my baby taking the time he needs to get ready for his grand entrance into the world. This time is very hard, but I have to do it anyway; I may as well be optimistic and more cheerful. On the bright side, I still have time to finish the sweater I'm making. All I have to do is sew up the sides and attach the little collar. I'm getting a little better at staying on task with my knitting. I've only been working on this sweater for about three weeks and it's just about done. Now I just have to start on all those receiving blankets...

I didn't really mean to announce that I'm full term and then run away for two weeks, so people could scratch their heads wondering if I had given birth or if I had been eaten by gila monsters in the dry heat of the desert (heh heh, suckers). Well, neither has happened, and I am wishing for one of them with all my heart. Guess which one?

Also, I feel like I should be constantly singing Weird Al Yankovic's parody of Michael Jackson's Bad. I guess I didn't realize that once my kid dropped, he would keep dropping. So now I have this weird pouch gut that resides mainly below my belly button. And I thought I had a front butt before. I can't help but laugh when I see it in the mirror and dance around. I think this kid is great. But it really is time for him to come out now. My mom told me this time would come. This is the time when I don't care how it happens, I just want him out. And also, I need some snuggling from this kid. I need to kiss his cheeks and be a mama.

Sorry I don't have more to offer at this point in time, but the child consumes all thought. And in turn, I consume everything else. Like homemade mac and cheese and fried chicken. Could life get any better? Well, I guess it could have been better if I hadn't been the one who cooked it, but it was totally worth it. Delicious evil cheese....

Updated to add: At Eve's request, I had my husband take the latest picture. Please ignore the tiny spots of delicious chicken oil that popped onto my shirt as I cooked (I swear that's how it got there (I do realize I look and sound like a slob...)). We also took one with my shirt pulled up, and while it gives me a hearty laugh to look at it, I do not want to share it with the internets. Sorry.


I'm pointing at my belly button to give you an idea of how far down he's gone. Obviously he has not dropped far enough because I'm not cradling him and giving you a thumbs up sign...

Full term! Holla!

It's official. I've made it to the final stretch (no pun intended) with baby and mom intact. Well, I'm mostly still intact. However, my shirts are starting up with an annoying habit of popping up and rolling up my belly. And you know why? This baby has dropped! I've been suspecting it for the past several days, and my doctor mentioned it today while she was poking around my belly. I didn't even remember to ask how many centimeters my uterus is measuring. I was at 40 cm last week. 40 cm = 40 weeks. He's a big boy now.

So now, I have a huge mass in the bottom of my stomach composed of baby, but it also kind of makes me feel like I have a front butt. Eh, whatever. It's a baby front butt. And here's the obligatory picture.



Also in baby news, I was given two baby showers last week. One was at work, and it was a big surprise. It was so nice. I didn't really want a shower at work because so many people are being laid off (yeah, like this Friday soon), and I didn't want anyone to feel like they needed to buy me anything. But a co-worker of mine asked around and decided that people are awesome (which, holy crap, they totally are), and then she made a surprise out of it, and I didn't suspect a thing.
And then, a good friend of mine and another friend of ours threw me another shower on Saturday and invited tons of people from my ward. I'm seriously floored by the generosity of all the people in my life. I counted up all the folks I need to write thank you notes to, and there are 38 people total. Wow. I didn't even know I knew 38 people (okay, that's a lie, but 38 is a lot of people to a recluse like me). I just can't believe that many people would be so thoughtful to give something to my baby. I'm so grateful, and so very lucky to have such good friends.

And now I'll wrap this up because I'm racing Blogger to their scheduled outage, and I want to post this before it happens. Hopefully, I'll write more soon. The sleepy is only getting worse...

I stayed home sick today. It makes me so very very grumpy. I hate being sick, and I would rather be at work. Most disappointingly, I don't have any knit projects going right now. Yarn has been ordered to remedy the situation, but it has not yet been received. Very disappointing indeed. It's not like I'm empty handed, though. I have 8 receiving blankets to make, a serger to learn how to use, and a quilt I still haven't finished. I just crave the knitting. And while I would rather be doing any of these things instead of being at work, I don't want to be sick while doing them because it sucks. I just want to lie around. Very Pregnant + Sickie = Very Very Sleepy All The Time.Anyway, I did mention that I knitted some items for my kid (didn't I?). Here they are, and they took all of less than a week to finish. It would have only been two days, but a girl just can't spend all her time doing everything she likes, can she? And look at how tiny the hat is! I'll be taking more yarn to the hospital with me, in case it doesn't fit Ben's head. Luckily, the hat took a matter of only two to three hours to work up, so I should be able to make a bigger one for him relatively quickly.

We had our last childbirthing class this week. At the beginning of the class (it was once a week for four weeks), I felt like four weeks would feel like forever, but it just flew by. The actual classes felt really long, though. Well, we actually have one more class that I signed us up for, and it's one specifically for more relaxation techniques for a natural childbirth. I'm planning on going without pain meds, but I do also realize that sometimes labor just doesn't play out like you planned it to. So, I have to be flexible, but ideally, I'm going to be a bit granola about it. Since before I even got pregnant, I've felt that nothing about this whole conception thing has been natural (well, because it hasn't), so I really want to try and do this part with as little medical intervention as possible. Which isn't to say, I'm going to go find a tree branch to hang on to while I squat the baby out. I mean, I am using an OB in a hospital, so what will be will be, but I hope you catch the point of what I'm trying to say.

We're still not ready for a baby to arrive. His bed is not set up. His clothes are not unpacked and put away (clothing courtesy of Eve; I have not even had my baby shower yet, but I have an entire 0-3 month wardrobe thanks to my wonderful sister! :) ). My bedroom is not arranged the way I want it. My kitchen is not arranged the way I want it (like my kid is really going to care how the kitchen is set up, right?), and in general, our home is just not ready for this baby. But I'm pretty sure we are. I'm excited. Chris is excited. This kid keeps getting bigger and bigger and I just want to cuddle him and pinch his chubby cheeks. Because they are chubby. Seriously. How could the two of us not have an adorable pinchably chubby cheeked baby?













I can't wait to meet our kid. I know he'll probably cry a lot and poop a lot and pee a lot and poop and pee on me a lot, but I'm cool with that as long as he gets the pooping and peeing on me out of his system in his early years. I know that having a newborn will completely change our life and our routines, although at this point, I know that I can't even comprehend what a huge change it will be. But I'm already so in love with this kid that I'm willing to do this happily. And I'm so grateful that I have a husband who's ready to be a dad.


On an unrelated to baby, but completely related to pregnancy note: I had a dream the other night that I went to a pizza stand, and the guy in front of me took the exact slice of pizza that I wanted and he did it on purpose. There were none left, and I sunk my head onto the counter and cried. It still makes me laugh to think that my hormones and cravings can influence me so profoundly even in my dreams.