Sing with your head up and your eyes closed...

Four reasons I wish my life was a musical:

1. People wouldn’t stare at me when I sing out loud when I’m shopping in public. They would gather around me magically knowing the words and sing with me in harmony. We would dance around automatically knowing all the steps and they would all pick me up and hold me upwards at a camera shot looking down on us for the finale. Trust me, it would be freaking awesome.

2. I would never sing off key unless it was written into the song, at which point it would serve the story line. I would sing perfectly and my improv skills would be pretty sweet, which means I wouldn’t start singing really stupid things because I can’t think of words that rhyme with each other.

3. Singing is romantic. If I started singing romantically to Chris now, he’d probably look at me like I’m nuts and then say something to that effect. But if my life was a musical, we’d sing songs and dance together before a fade to black that leaves us in a steamy kiss. That works for both of us.

4. Because I would never be bored! I could sing my way through work every day with a definite plot progression-- enter conflict (which I currently have), enter resolution (which doesn’t come into the picture as often as I’d like). Also, I wouldn’t be annoying anyone with my songs because they’d come in and sing along. It would be great.

Can you tell I really like to sing? It’s pretty much one of my favorite things to do, but I get really nervous when I sing around people. Then I forget the words, and I’m traumatized. My anxiety is terrible. I wish I could feel more self confident. I would love to sing in public without sweating and freaking out and forgetting the words. But if my life were a musical, I wouldn’t have to worry about anxiety, and I could sing all I wanted all of the time.

My Glory Day in the Hot Sun

This is my first knitting project that I have completed. I have hurdled such tasks as double pointed needles and the cable stitch. I'm very excited because both of these things were fairly intimidating until I actually did them and found that they are very very easy. The whole project took me about three days cumulatively. You can find the pattern here. And now for a session on how useful they are:




I can brush my teeth while keeping my hands toasty.








I can write letters to friends and family with crayons. I could even use a pen, but I couldn't find one nearby to use.











I can look condescendingly sophisticated (not that I'd ever be inclined or anything).

I even created this post while wearing them.













Sweetness, eh?

I just watched the new Hairspray. Holy crap! I love it so much! I hope I dream about it every night for three weeks. Well, maybe only two and a half. Three is excessive, I agree. That movie was freaking fantastic. I'm totally in love with it. I've been wanting to see it ever since it was in the theater, but there's no way I'd make Chris go and watch it with me. I might think it's amizazing, but to him, it'd probably be torture. So I finally rented it, and it makes me happy in my heart. I really like the nods they made to the original Hairspray movie. I'm sure I didn't catch them all, but Jon Waters was the flasher, Ricki Lake was one of the agents, Jerry Stiller was the dress guy (but that didn't really play out like the original), and they cast a guy (John Travolta) as the part of the mom. I'm sure there's much more, but it's been at least a decade (yikes) since I've seen the first movie. Now I want to go rent it and see it again, though. I just love song and dance.

I also think that I should talk about my sister, Sarah, who died 3 years ago today. I still really really miss her, and it still hurts that she's gone. I think a lot about her kids not having their mother with them as they grow up. Sarah was one of the most giving people I've ever met, and she was also really quick to forgive. I just wish I could have known her better. I wish I would have spent more time with her when I could have. And even though I know she probably doesn't hold it against me, I wish I hadn't been angry at her and so judgmental of her right before she died. I'm so grateful for the gospel and the promise that I'll see her again and that her children can see her again also. Family really is the greatest gift anyone can have. How beautiful is it that we can have that gift forever?

Family Angel


Eve and Gina sing a tribute at Eve's wedding reception

I'm sorry it's been soooo long since I updated my blog. Feel free to tell me I'm a wiener next time you see me. I just know you're that upset. So, a few things have happened. Crochet project priority #1 is finished. Click here to see the recipient, Jamie, model it beautifully. I should mention, you can get the pattern for the beanie at The Art of Crochet. I didn't have a pattern for the scarf, so I made an educated guess. I didn't finish project #2 in time, which is a monkey. But I made the monkey a little friend, which you can also see on Jamie and Mike's blog.
So the big story is that we went to Utah for Thanksgiving to hang out with my brother Michael's family and his in laws. We saw his new baby, and she was so stinking cute. She just loved Chris, too. She snuggled right up to him, and went to sleep. I had the opportunity to make a gluten free apple pie, which I will tell you is not the proper way to have an apple pie. But I was told by those who ate it (except for Michael's brother in law who has correct taste buds) that it was good. I don't think I could do the gluten free deal. It's too much work, and the crust is simply not flaky. Anyway, the food was spectacular, and we had a lot of fun. I always have fun with my brother. Maybe it's because he stinks. How could that possibly make him fun? I really don't know, but you should probably ask him.
On Friday, we weren't going to do the shopping thing, but did anyway. We went to Jo-Ann Fabrics where I purchased various buttons and this book. Shiloh and I saw it at Craft Warehouse many moons ago and I craved it even though I couldn't knit. And now I can. Yay me! (Glory day in the hot sun picture soon to follow) And so, it was purchased very smartly with a 50% off coupon. We got everything on supersale. It was fantastic. I would also like to note that Jo-Ann in Utah is vastly superior to any other Jo-Ann I've have been to in Idaho or Georgia. Very unfair.
And then we went to a game shop, a Canadian candy shop, and Home Depot. Yawn. Just kidding. It wasn't boring, but I didn't buy anything good enough to talk about there. If you really want to know what was purchased, let Chris tell you about it. At the Canadian shop, there was this adorable dog there. He was a Bassetdor, which as you may conclude from the name, is a Basset Hound/ Labrador Retriever hybrid. He was so cute and lovey. Too bad our dogs are fixed. We could have, like, eleven of those puppies. It's makes me cry a little just to think about it. And not from joy.
So for Chris' birthday, we went shopping and went to an aquarium, which was pretty sweet. We always enjoy going to some kind of animal exhibits. It's what makes our vacations good. Unlike our last vacation, which sucked, and you can read about it here (sorry Jamie and Mike- the bad part of being friends with a married couple with individual blogs is that you get to read everything twice). And after we saw all of the beautiful fish and rock awesome giant octopus, we of course craved some fish in our bellies. So we went to some Chinese place and were sadly disappointed by the food. So we went back to the motel and watched TV (I'm not going any further than that, okay Mom?).
On Saturday, we went to meet our friends from inside the computer Mike and Jamie. And Vessel. We had a really good time. In spite of fears that everyone would feel awkward socially (I had no such fears because I knew I could carry the conversation all by myself if need be), we all were able to get through the afternoon without any of us peeing our pants at all. Well, maybe Vessel might have peed his pants, but I convinced Chris to forgive him of it because he is only one year old. I'm kidding. If Vessel peed his pants, Jamie and Mike made no indicator of such a problem. So, our gifts went over pretty well, which made me very happy because I was so excited about making the scarf set and the little poop guy (or girl, who knows?)- pattern here. We all talked and got along really well, and I was sorry to go.
Drive home was good, church was the usual, and sleep was blissful. Monday I had my ultrasound to find out how many follicles I had this month. I assumed, I would have a positive ovulation predictor kit on Monday and IUI would be soon to follow on Tuesday. Just like last month, right? OR NOT! Sorry, I just love saying it like that. Lo and behold, my right ovary bore an already collapsed follicle and my left gave me nothing. I'll bet you'll never guess what my progesterone test concluded...wait for it...(this really isn't exciting in the happy way) I had already ovulated. Wh-wh-what? And it probably happened on Day 11 or 10 or something absolutely stupid like that. So IUI is cancelled because it would have been a waste of money at that point, and we're just hoping that the good old fashioned way will work. I do hope it does work, but I really don't expect it to. All in all, I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry. Who would I be mad at? Who knows, maybe it will happen. Crazier things have, for sure.
So there you have it.

So, crochet project priority #1 is almost done. I ran out of my contrast color and was terrified that I wouldn't be able to get more yarn from the same dyelot. The marvelous folks at Knit Picks sent me yarn in all the colors I ordered previously, and they all matched my first dyelots. Does that make sense? In short, Knit Picks freaking rocks. I'm super excited about finishing up this project. I wish I was done now. I also wish it wasn't still a secret, so I could show pictures. ::sigh:: All in good time, I suppose.

We were really really hopeful this month. Well, we're hopeful pretty much every month. I was so hopeful this month that I checked my voicemail containing my beta results before I even left work. Like, 4 hours before I left work. I don't really regret that, but crying at work sucks. Nobody really said much if they even noticed, but my boss did ask me if I was stressed out when I started tearing up in his office. I guess maybe it's my refusal to become bitter and angry that makes it just as painful with each negative. I get my hopes up every time because I know when it finally happens, it'll be worth it. Really, I feel guilty about being so sad because we're so blessed already in our lives. I just have to stay faithful to the things I know and get through this.
I would write more, but it's pretty late. I need to go to bed. Good night.

Guess who is the Stinky Pete?

That would be me. I'm insufferable even to myself. And because I can, I blame it on the progesterone. And I also feel bad for Chris.

During all this trying to get pregnant business, my emotions are as cyclical as my hormones. I'm in that wonderfully carefree week (there's only one, and sometimes it lasts less than seven days) when anything is possible, and I better act as though I'm pregnant because I could be, you know! I really like this week because I don't feel like crap, and I'm extremely hopeful in spite of my track record. Curiously, this is also the time of the month when I feel most at peace with the possibility of it not working. There is always next month. That, of course, is mostly dashed away by the end of beta day when I am checking my voice mail with my results as a nervous wreck. I refuse to hear my results while I'm at work. That's just too hard. I was just thinking about it.
I had a dream the other night that I got a positive. I peed in front of Shiloh in my dream because she wanted me to test again because I wasn't sure if it was positive. It was brightly positive, and then I remembered that my trigger had only been seven days before, so it could be a false positive. Oh, and we were in JCPenney. I woke up feeling the excitement from my dream anyway. It made me happy.
I've started on secret project #2 or #3....or #4. It depends on how many secret projects we're counting. But this is priority #2 secret project. I've never made anything like it before, so I'm pretty psyched. I love to crochet. I will definitely post pictures at such a time that the secrecy has past. Did that make sense? I should really go to bed now.

A Day at the Dentist's

I got a couple of fillings, and a frenulectomy. According to the definition, I got a labial frenulectomy, which definitely was not was it sounds like. I got the little bit of skin that attaches my lower lip to my lower gums clipped. Apparently it was pulling my gums away from my teeth and was threatening to cause a recession. It looks pretty gross. It also doesn't hurt too bad... yet. I'm armed with Oragel, though. I'm just glad I finally got all of my dental work taken care of. I went to this dentist in April 2005, and he told me he wanted to put in a new filling where an old one had fallen out and a filling on a leakage (uh, what?) that would soon be a surface cavity. In spite of my intentions to get them done in 2005, it never happened. So I finally went back for a cleaning a couple of weeks ago, and they still wanted to put in those fillings. And thus it was done, for the better health of my mouth. Chris went with me for his cleaning today, too. He hadn't had one for while, either.

You know, sometimes, I'm glad that we teach the Sunbeams. It's nice to have a calling that doesn't give me anxiety, and it makes me get my lazy butt up and off to church on Sunday morning. I think I would probably die if I had to teach adults or stand up in front of adults and talk, or even sit among all the other adults for any reason except sacrament meeting. Yes, I have severe social anxiety, and I don't know why. In the married student ward I attended in Moscow, I would often leave early crying because I would just freak out and have a panic attack. Quietly, of course. That also would happen at Enrichment Night. Am I totally crazy? If you look at pretty much everyone else in my family, then yes, I am. How did I get the anti-social gene? Where did it even come from?
Anyway, other times, teaching the Sunbeams makes me insane. Yesterday, for example, I only had three children. Easy. Easy, easy, easy, right? Except, one boy's mom came in to help him get through closing exercises (he was perfectly fine in class), and he was this writhing bony sack of making me crazy. He would make nonsense noises that were quite loud, and just throw his whole body backwards all through the closing announcements, birthdays, , the talk, scripture and prayer, yeah, pretty much the whole time. His mother would only say something when I looked at him. I realize that he is only four. However, I have taught him for a year (we were in nursery last year), and he is so manipulative of his parents that they let him get away with anything. We don't make special allowances in our class for his tantrums, and he has been just fine with us. Really, it's frustrating. I had our other boy in our class yesterday, too. He used to be this sweet little imaginative boy who was extremely cooperative and obedient, and now he's pretty much out of control most of the time. I don't know what happened or when, but he makes me crazy. He doesn't like to color anymore, so when all the other kids are coloring, he runs around the classroom, jumping off of chairs, climbing onto the window sill, and being fairly disruptive in general. I can handle him in the classroom, though. It's in junior primary, and combined closing exercises that he is most difficult, like the other boy. We had another boy in our class that just moved who was probably worse than both of these boys combined. We also have two girls who are very nice and cooperative and mostly obedient. Wow, I sound like a mean teacher. I know that children, in general, are a rambunctious lot, and I do look forward to having them in my life. I just have bad Sundays and good Sundays. This past Sunday was a difficult one with Chris being at drill and the two boys being especially trying. So, I have to vent about it. I have just as many Sundays, if not more, that I truly enjoy my calling. Our primary president even commented on our class having all the difficult children (there are two Sunbeams classes).
Well, anyway, I have progressed in making my secret items quite a bit. I'm pretty excited about them. All other projects are on hold. I have a lot to get finished by Christmas. I did get my pirate baby quilt tied on Saturday, though. Now I just have to sew on the binding, but there's no rush. Who knows when I'll be able to use it as intended anyhow.

Not much has been going on here lately. I finished my short story for class this past weekend and had it workshopped on Monday, so I feel like I can actually do things I want to do again. Oh, and I also made a poodle skirt for Halloween. We have a Halloween decorating contest among all the Finance departments, and we pretty much always win. Because we're awesome. The theme this year was musical eras by decade. My group got the 50's. It was fun. I'll post some pictures as some point.
Now I'm in crochet mode. I have some items I want to finish on a schedule, so I'm trying to get them done. Some...secret items.... I'm also working on a knitted cowl and an mp3 player holding arm band. I'm working on a flower purse, hopefully to sell. I'm working on finishing my pirate baby quilt. There's so many things I really want to do. Not nearly enough time. This past weekend was crazy.
My follicle scan wasn't until Day 12 this cycle. I started my opks on Day 10, and I was almost surging by the time I got my scan. So they bumped up my IUI up to Tuesday afternoon (cross your fingers for us). I'm going to disclaim this next statement by saying I'm so very glad I don't have to take PIO shots, but I freaking hate progesterone suppositories. It's like having a yeast infection you can't treat for two weeks or more, if you're pregnant. But it'll totally be worth it.
Anyway, after my follie scan, I had to go to the eye doctor (shamefully, I had not been for two and a half years). I forgot to bring my glasses and my prescription. I'm so lame. My doctor was super nice, though. I now have trial contact lenses in my new prescription, and it's nice to see so clearly again. So it's pretty late, and I need to go to bed. Maybe one day I'll post when I'm not supposed to be asleep.

I haven't posted about the news because the only person who reads this blog (um, me) has already settled into the disappointment of my crappy negative. On to IUI #4 for us. That's fine. I'm over it...mostly. I get to give myself more shots this week without Chris here to help me or give them to me if I can't bring myself to do it. I often wonder if I should just give up on getting pregnant. If maybe we should just save up to adopt. But I always get the feeling that we're just supposed to be doing this. For some reason, and only Heavenly Father knows, we're supposed to be going through this. It's deliberate, and at some point in my life, I'm almost sure I asked for it. Not specifically, of course, but in some way, I know I did. Can I take it back now? In spite of everything, we're so very blessed with the things we do have. Am I selfish for wanting more? Actually, that sounds like an oxymoron when you consider that by "wanting more" I mean that I want children. I guess I don't feel like giving my life to my family is a difficult choice. I'm glad I can tell each of my children how much they were wanted in this world and how much they were loved before they ever came.
I've had a question in my mind many times in the past couple of months. Why does anyone want kids? The answer in me is so intangible that it might break if I tried to make words for it. There's the obvious following the commandments answer, and I'm cool with that, but that's definitely not the whole answer here. Maybe I just try not to think about it because it makes me cry. Not because I'm sad, just because I'm impatient.

Waiting makes me crazy. I'm waiting for some yarn that I ordered, so I can start a sweet awesome project. The only thing is, I'm afraid that one of the colors is wrong. So I wish it would just get here already, so I can see. It's always sucks to buy yarn online when you don't know if what you're buying is what you really want. Luckily, if I have to return it, I can definitely use the in store credit. There's always more yarn I need. Yes, I need it.
I'm going to the foot doctor today. I've had this ingrown toenail that's been bothering me for well over a year, but I've always just cut it out as much as I could and kept going. My husband has finally convinced me to go to the doctor about it because they can take it out and make it stop coming back again. I can deal with that. There are so many doctors appointments that I need to make. I need to go to the dentist and I need to go to the eye doctor. I have an appt with my lady doctor this month, and if this IUI doesn't work, then I have another barrage of appointments with my baby making doctor (he's a reproductive endocrinologist- don't get the wrong idea). I'm tired of going to the doctor. I'm sure my boss is tired of it, too. I try to make as many appointments as I can on my day off, but sometimes it's just not possible. Then I have to kick my own butt trying to make up all the time I missed.

The anxiety begins again. Okay, so it never ended in the first place. We had our IUI yesterday. I managed to give myself my trigger shot on Monday night, and I was very proud of myself. We did a 36 hour IUI, and I hope that it works this time. It's hard being disappointed.
I still don't understand how three out of the four girls in my family have infertility issues. My mom never had problems and could turn her baby maker on and off with a switch. Then Rachel has to have an IUI to get pregnant (and had the baby, too), but lost her first natural pregnancy. Eve had a healthy successful pregnancy the first go around, got pregnant again only six months after Erick was born, and proceeded to have two miscarriages. She's in her second trimester w/ pregnancy #4 thanks to progesterone supplements. What the heck?
I'm just tired of being obsessed about getting pregnant. No one wants to hear about fertile cervical fluid or what position my cervix was in today. No one wants to hear about how painful my IUIs are, or about the pit in my stomach when I think about this one failing, too. Well, I take it back. The people who care about me don't mind listening, I suppose. But I'm sure it must be annoying for me to talk about all the time, but it's all I can think about! Mothers think about their children constantly, right? Infertile women do, too. But we can't talk about what our babies did today or how much they've grown. We can only talk about how many follicles we have to trigger this month, and what are our chances with this month's post-wash count?
Anyway, enough about that. I'm rambling, but of course I won't stop thinking about it. I've started another Felted Rose Handbag. I think I'm going to sell this one when I finish it. It's so hard to part with my finished projects when they go to strangers. Maybe I will feel better about it when I get money for them. I am also planning a knitted project, but I need to buy the right sized circular needles. I'm still a beginner knitter, so I haven't worked on circulars before. I hope that it will come easy to me. I'm not working from a pattern for this project, though, so hopefully it won't fail miserably. Well, I should go to bed now. I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep, and I'm dead tired.

So, I've been feeling pretty crafty lately. I finished a quilt top (my very first quilt) and basted the top, batting, and backing together. I love it. It's a pirate themed baby quilt for my someday baby (more on that later). I have also started one crochet project, and I am planning another one out. Those two are Christmas gifts, so I can't say what they are, lest prying eyes should see. But I can say that one of them is so good that I'm making one for myself, too. I also measured and cut the fabric in preparation for a skirt I'm going to make. I haven't gotten any farther because I hate ironing.
Also, this is the best time of the year. Apple pies! I love making them, and I love eating them (and also shoving them down other people's throats). There's an orchard out of Emmett that delivers cherries and apples to our office every year. Last year I bought a couple of boxes and had an apple pie making marathon. I froze a lot of the pie filling (because I don't have the equipment or the knowledge to can them), but I just made pies from the last two bags in anticipation for this year's harvest. It comes on Thursday. Sweetness.
This month is IUI #3, and it is also our first IUI with Dr. Foulk. My first two cycles I did with my OB/Gyn and Chris' urologist with clomid and an hcg trigger shot. This cycle I took Femara, two injections of Repronex, and I will also have an hcg trigger. Tomorrow I will find out how many eggs I'm going to release. Well, maybe. It's still early, so I may not know for a couple more days. But they're going to do the ultrasound to check them out. I'm still really nervous about giving myself a shot. A nurse did my first Repronex shot, and my loving husband gave me my second one. But I will have to do my trigger shot because it will most likely be when Chris is at work. :( Anyway, I'm happy that my tubes are clear according to my HSG I had on Friday. I don't expect the IUI to happen until later this week, though. I hope this one works. Infertility sure does take all the fun out of making babies...

Sooooo, I thought maybe I'd start a blog because I guess it's the cool thing to do. Besides, I'm tired of reading about all the fantasy sports on Chris' blog. I'm still setting up, and I can't think of anything interesting to write, so be satisfied with the opening of my favorite cartoon show when I was a kid.